Body of Death

As you know by now if you have read any of my bloggings, I am an avid reader and I usually have 2-3 books going at the same time. Right now I have "Swallow" on my Kindle that I read on the elliptical at the gym 4-5 times a week. (Interesting fact: I can't read an actual book while on the elliptical because the motion makes me sick-but I can read a book on my Kindle just fine. Now, figure that one out…)

Swallow is a novel about a young, new lawyer that has a psychological ball in her throat that interferes with her eating and breathing... I think it was a freebie for my Kindle and it has been pretty good so far. The second book that I read in the morning during my devotional time is normally more spiritual so I am currently reading Pope Benedict's book "Jesus of Nazereth" along with my bible. Our church is reading through the gospels together this year so it has been a perfect companion. It is really good but very heavy, so I can only read a couple pages at a time- more of a book to be savored than gulped down; I am also re-reading Made to Crave for the blog so yeah- my reading "plate" is pretty full.

Since for most of my life now I usually have had several books going at once- I have developed some not so great habits along the way. One is that I sometimes read so fast I miss important parts of the book and have to go back… ("skimming" is what this is formally called. Terrible thing I do when the book is boring me a little) or I may read too fast and too long if I am really excited about a book and can't wait to see what happens next. I have actually read books so fast that I forgot I read them. Until I get them home from the library again and start them again…. BUT the one thing I do that I am really trying to change is that I don't read the introductions. That is until my brother started writing books. I wanted to read every letter, word and punctuation he put on paper so I read his introductions and I discovered that introductions often lay some ground work or thoughts that the author has about the book that aids in the telling of the story. I am so glad that I read Jim's books before Made to Crave, because I learned the value of a good introduction just in time to read Lysa's. If you have started reading MTC with me, I hope that you will go back and read her introduction no matter where you are because she is just so real. Just a simple woman learning about herself along the path of Life- or as she calls herself, "a Jesus Girl on a journey to find deeper motivation than just a number on my scale for getting and staying healthy."

See, it HAS to be about more than that- we all know it and even if we don't know it yet, we sense it. I have lots of knocks against me in the weight department. Genetically I am not going to be skinny. I love to cook and then eat it. I am a wine drinker and I enjoy that part of my life. AND I had an eating disorder for 12 years that screwed up what was left of my metabolism. I have been accused of being obsessed with weight but I am not really obsessed with the numbers anymore as much as with the way I feel at a smaller number. My lower back has been a problem for me for about the last 10 yrs. I carried my babies everywhere (still don't like babies carried in car seats…); now I carry their babies and I was a nursing assistant for several years. I am also not good at asking for help, which means I push, pull, move and carry WAY more than I should ever attempt on my own. I am a true pear shape and carry most of my weight between my belly button and my thighs and stomach fat is extra hard on your lower back (remember pregnancy?) SO when my stomach is smaller- my back feels better- plus I have 3 (working on the fourth) little grand girls that I have to keep up with!! I want to be a partaker in their lives not a bystander. I still cook full family dinners for my WHOLE family- I don't intend to stop. Not to mention that I want to be the healthiest, sexiest wife for my deserving husband that I can be!! Who doesn't want that?? If you say you don't you are either in denial or just plain crazy…. I want my husband thinking about me when we are apart and I mean in the BIBLICAL sense. Sorry if that is TMI but hey, it's the truth and even if he does love me exactly the way I am and I know he does, I have to feel good about myself in order to feel good with him BIBLICALLY and I don't think I am the only one. When my man comes home and says he has been thinking about me all day…. Pure MUSIC to my ears, Baby… Sweet music…. and I plan to keep it that way at least until we are 80- then it may be open for discussion. Maybe.

As long as we are being real, I want to say that I am starting my journey at 162 lbs. and it's not easy for me to admit that. I won't even go to the dr, because I don't want the nurse to see that number and it is 7 lbs higher then I was when I GAVE BIRTH. Now how many of you can say that?? I will say though that I am slowly coming down since I started at 167 myself (same as Lysa when she wrote the book) so even though I am making slow progress, the numbers are moving in the right direction and I am dealing with it. I have been much smaller at 112; the height of my bullemia-and a tad bigger at 172 ish about 10 years ago. Healthy, I have only been able to get down to 125 but I couldn't maintain it for very long and a few years ago I was at 142 which is where I would like to be again. I felt good there and I looked pretty good for a post-menopausal grandma. After all I am 48 and I am not trying to be 25 again. I like 48 actually- I love my life (even in the biblical sense)

All in all- just like Lysa says in the introduction; getting healthy isn't just about losing weight. It's about recalibrating our souls so we want to change. Spiritually, it's about putting everything in its proper place. We were never created to live to eat, only to eat to live. As Christians with all of our taboos- some real, some imagined- we center so much of our meetings, outings and social gatherings around food. I am guilty of this as much as the next person…. Not saying I don't enjoy it but it would be quite a challenge wouldn't it? To have a seminar without refreshments…..how would we feel about that? Lysa also points out that the first sin in the garden centered around food with the temptation of Eve. Wouldn't that be an interesting bible study? How many significant things happened in the bible that included food? I can think of two right away as I write this.- Abel was killed because Cain's offering of food from the garden wasn't pleasing in God's eyes or how about the children of Israel with their manna obsession? It wasn't really about the food in any of those examples per say- but then again, it never really is.

Physically, I already mentioned my back and my libido, but there are a host of other physical reasons to be healthy. I am not a complainer. Some people may think I am weight obsessed but many others are ailment obsessed. All they want to talk about are their aches and pains. I see managing my weight as a no brainer when it comes to that. I feel better and my joints don't hurt as much when I am at a reasonable, healthier weight. I was taking ibuprofen every day for my left elbow, right shoulder and back, before Christmas. Since I started back at the gym- it has all stopped hurting. I don't even like exercising but I can't ignore the difference it makes in my body and since I don't see myself getting any younger, I drag my butt out of bed at 5:30 a.m. and go to the gym. Thank God for attached garages and heated seats. It sure makes it easier in Indiana winter!! Not to mention working out and eating right helps fight diabetes and heart disease. I may not be perfect and I may not be a super model, but mama didn't raise no dummy either.

Lastly, Mentally- and this is HUGE for me, if not the biggest reason for getting and staying healthy. My mind is a battlefield and my self-worth is the P.O.W.... I may not be sticking my fingers down my throat to purge anymore but sometimes I don't think my head has healed a whole lot. I often tell Brian that I wish for one day that I could see me like he sees me. Just a glimpse. What my head tells me that my eyes see is so screwed up. The other day I was talking to an old HS boyfriend of mine of Facebook and he was saying that he thought that I "still looked so good." I was floored. I mean I am used to Brian telling me I am beautiful and I usually justify it by saying he is so used to me or has been married so long his gage for "beautiful" is off. Also, I know that Brian sees the whole package and not just the physical me. I am the same with him even though he is still so stinking cute; but alas- I regress…

My eyes never see what other people do but if I am at least trying to be healthy and make better choices I FEEL better about WHAT I see, even if it is still more of me then I would like it to be. Does that make sense? I owe it to myself, my family and my God to do the best I can with what I have to do it with. No complaining and no compromise-no more excuses. I want the best quality of life that I can live while on this quality challenged Earth. Makes me think of a t-shirt I saw on someone not too long ago- I really want that shirt too because in more ways than one, so often it is the cry of my heart; it said, "Lord- save me from this body of death!!" Great huh? A mouthful.

Pardon the pun. Read the intro to MTC you won't regret it- talk to you in a couple days