Cloud Burst

I guess it is politically correct that I should issue a warning that this blog is about to turn towards the more "spiritual" aspect of my life. I hope that doesn't make people not want to read my blog, but if it does I guess that is a chance I will take. It is almost impossible to know me and not know that I am a Christian. I don't think I am "preachy" (I hope not anyway- I have been told that I am not) but I also know that if you are close to me long enough you will get side-swiped by my beliefs which are born-again Protestant with strong Catholic overtones- essentially I am a redeemed human working constantly towards conversion; whatever that journey involves. I don't want to debate my stand it just is what it is, which
is that I am very serious about my Jesus- end of discussion. If you don't believe there is an afterlife, well… I guess we will both find out in a little while; won't we?? I just know that I want to live a grace and mercy filled life that involves my Jesus. To me there is no other way to survive. No other life worth living. If you think this makes me weak than you don't know me every well. Stick around and you will find out that I am more than the sum total of my beliefs- I am a survivor. If I am wrong about heaven and hell and you are right… than I have lived a wonderful, charmed life and I have no regrets. If I am right and you are wrong, things are a little more complicated for you. Just sayin'.

Tomorrow is Feb 1^st and next week I will be starting the Blog Book Club on the book Made to Crave, by Lysa TerKeurst. (refer back to my first couple blogs for more info) The plan right now is to read one chapter a week and I will blog about the "personal reflection" questions at the end of the chapter at least a couple times a week. I have spent the past month or so letting you into my personal life, food issues, ect- to lay a little foundation that I hope you have enjoyed and gleaned truths from. I have been accused of putting "my whole life out there on Facebook!!" because of the blog. This is just who I am. I am real and I have nothing to hide. I don't hold people at arm's length; I draw them in. And from what I can gather from the responses to my blog so far- a lot of you needed the blog "hug", so I am happy so far with the way things have gone. I am excited about reading Made to Change with you (for me; second time through…) and even if you don't have the book and are reading along, I think you will still get something from our "discussion". Feel free to comment or message me on Facebook. I will respond to you promptly.

Life is about growth and change, isn't it? Change is often needed and often painful, even if it is necessary. I think of when my boys got braces and went through those first few painful appointments of tightening screws and adjusting wires… or starting a new exercise program … or having a baby. All things that have a good outcome, but require pain and growth, both personally and emotionally. So much of the time that is how God deals with each of us and He gives us lots of examples in life to learn it, stretch us and grow us into the people that He always knew we could be; what He planned for us to be. I have been personally going through this stretching and growing process for the last 8 years. It began with the split of the church we belonged to and raised our children in and is continuing with the move of our only daughter with her family to Indianapolis to help with a young church body there. Sometimes when I have mornings like I had today, when I am just crying with God during my devotions- I wonder how far I have really come and have I learned anything at all? Often I feel like I am one of the Israelites walking around the bottom of that same mountain over and over again (40 years to be exact) because they never learned the lesson God was trying to teach them and continually rebelled against Moses's direction- with the Promised Land within walking distance! Sometimes you just gotta walk in the right direction- it's just that simple. When the church was splintering in a million pieces I would often just sit and cry during what was left of the services. All my old insecurities about being displaced, abandoned, unloved- raising their ugly heads. My church "home" and "family" were shattering right in front of me and it was just about all I could take. In those moments I would feel God not so gently nudging me out of my seat and down to the altar to meet with Him there and reluctantly I would go; crying my eyes out; down to the front. I wasn't alone, there were lots of hurting people then but when I would reach the altar; it was a mystical experience that felt like only me and Him. True to His prodding in my heart, God would whisper words of comfort to my soul- reminding me that church wasn't about a building or the people in it as much as it was about Him and I; and that "we" were good. "We" were solid. "We" would not change, as long as I could hang in there with Him alone. It goes back to that old saying that you shouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater- God isn't the congregation, the pastor or the building. He dwells there, but they aren't Him. Humans and governments falter, only God remains the same. I needed to turn my trust from the physical church back to Him. I wish I could tell you it was the first time I had walked around this mountain but it wasn't… I had been there before.

I have been with my husband Brian for 30 yrs. I met him at 17, I moved from my mom and dad's house to the camp (Bible College) than directly into my home with Brian. Life with him is all I know as an adult. We have grown up together and I trust him with everything in me. That is good and that is bad. For years my biggest single fear was losing Brian. Anytime the subject about fears would come up, without hesitation that would be my answer until one Sunday the Pastor asked us to write down our biggest fear during one of the Sunday sermons. When I wrote down "Losing Brian" I just stared at it. I had never realized how unbalanced that was until that very moment. There is no way Brian can be my all-in-all. He was never meant to be that, he CAN'T be that… if you don't believe me just ask him. The other night we had sort of a "fall out" where I broke down emotionally and he didn't know how to console me. He wanted to talk about it the next day but God had already talked to me about it that morning, so I knew what was coming. I was upset because Brian didn't respond to me the way I thought he should have but he just looked at me helplessly and said, "I didn't know what to do… I wanted to, but I didn't know how." Of course he didn't, he can't read my mind let alone my crazy, strung out emotions. There is only one person that can console me fully and that person has nail prints in His hands. Brian doesn't have those and at some point he will probably leave me in this life because he isn't eternal either… (just so you know) and it's not fair to ask him to be my God.

Neither is it fair to ask that of my baby girl- and I am finding out this week as her move edges closer to reality that once again, I have put my misplaced need for security on another person.

Cherith is my only girl. Because of that, I think we have a special bond. Not only that but she is such a wonderful woman of God that her life constantly reminds me that I may have done something right along the way. It's not that she has this extreme devotional time or prayer life but she WALKS the TALK…

Every. Single. Day.

I am so tired of Christians (and I use that term lightly) that brag about their devotional or prayer life while verbally abusing, being rude or being judgmental of the very people God puts in their life to be Jesus to. I am weary of that. Cherith is real, kind, thoughtful and trustworthy and also has become one of my dearest friends. I am grateful for our relationship and I know those things will never change but in light of the impending move- I find that I can barely function without breaking down in tears. I so want to be strong for her and for the family, but my heart has been so heavy that I find myself again at the base of that same mountain, asking God for help. Begging actually.

Here we go again.

See, Cherith has been a rock for me during some very hard times. I trust her, which isn't the easiest thing for me to do- so because of that I may have leaned on her more than I should have. God reminded me of that this morning. It seems like the last 8 years for me have been all about losing everything I thought would never change and learning to trust God even when reality doesn't look like I thought it would at this stage in my life. I thought we would attend the same church our whole loves (from marryin' to buryin' as the saying goes) that all our kids and their families would attend with us, and that we would all stay right here in Fort Wayne and watch the new little crop of Federspiels grow up around our feet. So far none of that has been the case and believe me I have had many conversations with God about it. It just doesn't seem fair that I have to give up yet another thing… that I can't jump in my car and drive across town so I can be there when Sage wakes up from her nap all sleepy and warm. That she won't come into my house and fly into my arms as often. That somebody else gets to babysit for date nights. That I can't just call and say "what are you guys doing tonight? Want to come over for dinner??" or that they can't meet us downtown for music this summer or that family dinner nights will change and the boys can't pick on Cherith for the way she laughs or talks too loud or something else silly. Honestly- I am struggling with all of that. In my head I know that she is only 2 hours away. But in my heart it's still too far.

This morning while I was crying through my devotional time, God gently nudged me that once again… I am not trusting Him to be my all and all. My best friend. My confidant. He reminded me that it's not really fair to expect so much from my daughter because it isn't her job to be my friend at all. Sure it's a nice perk, but she isn't supposed to take care of me and my feelings, I am the Mama and I have to take care of her. Even when I am feeling selfishly like I can't give her up- can't see my little Roo and my son-in-law, BJ as often. We will both grow from this experience and even though it will be painful, the results will be wonderful.

My sweet girl. This is exactly what I told her tonight when she texted me and said she was feeling sick to her stomach thinking about the move: It WILL be
wonderful. They are doing what they are called to do; born to do- DESTINED to do. She doesn't belong to me after all, she is just a gift from the hand of a very loving Father and just like her two brothers, I need to step back and let her live her life- whatever that may be and trust God with the results.

Besides, God never promised us a Rose Garden. And like that old song says, "Along with the sunshine- there's gotta be a little rain sometimes…"

Because without rain there are no roses of course-and that is my prayer for all of us tonight as our little bit of family "Sunshine"; our Cherith, moves a little further South and Indy gains an anointed, destined family. That because of this little cloud burst, we all grow: closer as a family and more sensitive to the calling of God on our own lives, as we watch them grow in ministry and be blessed in theirs. We won't see them as often but when we do it will be even sweeter than before.

I do trust you Lord. With all my secrets and with all my babies; just like I have from the day You gave them to me.

Guard them safely through the night- and wake them with the morning light. Amen.

I love you Cherith Brook, you ARE my sunshine.

The Tidy Bowl Lady

My sweet husband has quite an array of pet names he uses for me ranging from Lou (my middle name) to the normal, Honey-Baby-Sweetie stuff. He probably calls me Honey the most which would be evident in the fact that my youngest Luke refused to call me anything but "Honey" at 2 years old, which was pretty darn cute unless he was whining for something and then his sweet "Honey" turned into "Hhhhooonnneeeyyyy…. I want some juuuuiiiccee…" or "Peeeeaaaase Hhhoonneeyy; hold you!!!" –with his arms straight up in the air, because "hold YOU" meant "hold ME"; which I usually did.

(Thanks for the bursitis in my shoulder Lukie- every bit of it is worth it. Anyway, I still get to call him "Baby" at 23- so it's a good trade-off)

One of the most unusual names Brian calls me is "Tidy Bowl" "T.B." or the "Tidy Bowl Lady. He gets this from my need to clean, straighten and organize-obsessively. He has learned the hard way to warn me when he isn't done with his coffee cup, to hide clothes he wants to wear one more time and to not set a plate down and walk away unless he means it because if you have to pee before you grab "seconds" your plate will be swept away into the dishwasher or sink faster than you can say "Please pass the butter" (my kids are chuckling right now because I think I have done this to every one of them). I cook with a sink full of hot soapy water so I can put everything I use directly into it as I use it and I follow a list of housework that I do every week, on the same days- just like I have done for probably at least 20 of our 30 years together. We were having this discussion with some friends that we haven't known a real long time and the woman made a comment about how I probably did things much differently when the kids were small or I was working full time. Brian told her the biggest difference is that now I do it before 10 o'clock at night. She looked at him like he was joking but sadly, he wasn't. When the kids were babies we lived in a 2 story house so once everyone went to bed, I cleaned whatever needed done downstairs and did laundry. During their naps, the only bathroom (which was upstairs) got cleaned and I dusted our bedroom. Then the kids played during vacuuming and cleaning of their own rooms- I just moved them room to room. I even went to the grocery late at night, so to Brian and the kids- the maid and grocery fairy visited during the night filling the cupboards and frig with delicious treats and leaving the kitchen floors sparkling clean. Was it fun? Not really. Was it necessary? I thought it was at the time. It kept me sane. I had vowed to myself that I when I got married I was going to have a house that anyone could walk into at any time and my husband would be proud, and I busted my butt to make it happen. It was important to me then and it is now. Is it overboard? Definitely.

Starting when Luke was 6 months old and lasting until he was 6 years old, I attended a parent support group which was really more of a glorified group counseling session. There I dealt with many things from my past that I didn't want to drag into my children's present. The woman that led the group was a bonified Saint and it didn't take long for her to see through my neat, tidy, controlled house right into my crazy, scattered, emotions. Keeping my house clean and tidy was the way I controlled my environment. When I felt like I had no say, I knew that the house was where I had an opinion. When I was overwhelmed by some emotion either real or blown out of proportion- I picked up a rag, got a bucket of hot, soapy water, got on my knees and scrubbed floors. I could control that. It was predictable and manageable- and I got rave reviews from my husband which fed my fragile self-worth. He has always been a "Thank You Guy". Thank you for dinner. Thank you for cleaning out the frig. Thank you for bleaching my underwear. Supper was delicious, Baby. The house smells SO clean, …. ect ect. Tell me thank you a couple times and I will do it a million more; that is just the way I am. I love being appreciated, but appreciation like that is shaky and my counselor knew this, so she started asking questions…

"What if you are sick and can't do laundry, then what happens?"

"I am never sick."

(Still mostly true. I have great Fields genes. The last time I had the flu, I couldn't make either end of my body happy for 5 straight hours. When that was over, I took a nap, got up and got dressed- and promptly cleaned all 3 bathrooms so Brian wouldn't get sick. Then I made dinner. I have dusted an entire house with a blaring migraine- stop to throw-up, pick up the Pledge and not miss a beat.)

"But just what if? What if laundry doesn't get done the day it's supposed to… or dinner doesn't get made, then what?"

"That never happens, I have a menu on the refrigerator… besides I have to do laundry or it piles up."

"So, let it pile up."

"I can't."

Even sitting here writing this, I remember how painful that conversation was for me. (Sitting here, I am also acutely aware that I still have a menu even though it's not on the frig anymore) You see, most of the girls in group had trouble keeping their houses clean, dishes done and laundry caught up. As we would go around the room after a session, "homework" assignments were as follows: "Do the laundry" "Dust one room this week" "Plan and cook one home-cooked meal; no carry-out."

Until she got to me- then it was this: "Leave your dinner dishes in the sink overnight and stay in the bath tub for more than 15 minutes."

Brian always says that I take a bath so fast that the water is still hot enough for 2 other people to bathe after me. Gross but true; and I was probably 40 before I mastered the dishes-in-the-sink -overnight thing and I wish she had been alive for me to brag about it to her. I don't think she knew that she changed my life during those sessions. She changed all of us. I remember the day one of the girls called me and told me she had finally passed away after a long battle with breast cancer. I went outside on my back steps and sobbed deep in my belly. The keeper of my secrets was gone. The one that told me that I could forget to dust every single surface and the earth would not quit spinning on its axis. That I was beautiful, strong and capable and that I was a good mom and a wonderful wife even if dinner was late or we had no milk for breakfast. They were lessons I still repeat to myself on the dark days and whenever I leave dishes in the sink, I smile to myself in her honor.


That said-I am much better about those things now. Maybe because at 48 I have learned there is so much that is out of my control. Oh, I still have a list of chores and most of the time I do the same chore on the same day every single week (working or not)… only now, if something comes up- most of the time I can change days without panicking or even skip it (gasp) for a day or two, or even a week!!! A rare treat I allow myself once in a blue moon. I still have a menu that has shrunken to "dinner only" with the kids married and gone (as opposed to choices for breakfast, snack time treats and lunches- don't know why my middle son has a thing for predictability…) and I still have a house that on most days, you can walk into with minimal obstructions. It's still clean and tidy (esp. the bathrooms) and dinner is usually per the "menu" and on time; but hear me when I say to you-I AM NOT BRAGGING, so before you kill me let me explain….

The other night, I was in a bubble bath talking to my daughter Cherith on the phone (trying to break the 15 minute record). Now, even though there are lots of ways that Cherith and I are alike, cleaning is not one of them. It is a source of contention between her and BJ and a soft spot for her. She really works at it and is doing better but a hospital atmosphere just isn't high on her list of priorities. She is musical, theatrical and confident. I learned to shut her bedroom door and forget about it when she was 15 or 16 because there were just other things that were more important to me about her character. She would do whatever chore I had her do in the house at large, completely, accurately and without complaint but her room was her space and I tried to leave it to her without coming unglued to often. Maybe that wasn't the right choice, but it was the one I made at the time. I was saying to her during our conversation that I often wasn't sure how BJ felt about me. He has only been in the family about 5 years and we can be a little intimidating with all of our touchy, feely, kissy stuff. BJ is a quiet, serious thinker type- which does nothing to help little old insecure me feel like a good mother-in-law. Not his job to make me feel secure, but that is what I was feeling in that moment of our phone call.

Cherith quickly replied, "OH NO! BJ thinks you are perfect. In fact, he wants me to be like you in every way, nothing would make him happier!"

She giggles brightly, but I feel like someone just hit me with a bowling ball.

See, I know what happened during all that vacuuming, dusting and laundry folding madness. I know what precious moments escaped when instead of watching a few minutes of television with my young husband, I was doing just one more task that couldn't wait.

"Cherith, you don't want that. You don't want to be like me." I reply.

"Of course I do Mommy- don't be ridiculous!" she is still giggling.

"No, honey- what I mean is… you play with Sage. You aren't missing a thing. You get on the floor. I didn't do that. You do puzzles and read endless books. I rarely allowed myself that luxury except books at naptime. I never stopped long enough, and now you are all gone. It goes by so fast! Don't wait until your grandbabies until you decide the dinner dishes can wait a few minutes like I did. It's just not worth it. You are wonderful just the way you are."

We both stop for a few breaths and think. "Well, thanks Mama." She finally says.

The conversation changes course and soon we have to hang up because my water is cold and my feet and hands now look like they belong to a hundred year old woman. I guess nobody can take a bath after me this time and I am a little bit farther removed from the neurotic Tidy Bowl Lady and a little more like her more relaxed sister, Tidy-But-Not-Too-Uptight Tina. I am no longer under the illusion that I can control my world by scrubbing the floor on my knees and WAY more aware that the parts I can't control are better handled on my knees in prayer, given to the only shoulders that are really big enough to carry them anyway.

The shoulders of the Master Secret Keeper.

The Journey Continues

I haven't written anything but Facebook posts for a week now. I find that; at least for me anyway- writing is kind of like being Bulimic. When it is inside me, it fights to come out with such intensity that I can scarcely contain it. It consumes my every thought even to the point of sleeplessness. On the contrary- if it isn't there, than there isn't much that I can do to conjure it. This more than anything else may be the reason that I may never be a great writer. I have started many books in my lifetime and haven't finished one yet though I am hoping to fix that in 2012. I am also hoping the fact that I am pouring my heart out in two places- here in the blog and then also in the book, to be the reason that I have been dry this past week. I find that along with the writing, my life has been dry in other areas as well- so maybe as the rains come flooding back into my soul, the writing will eek out. I hope it does, because when I can't write now, I find that I really miss it.

Putting away the Christmas decorations this year, I realized that there were some pretty significant things that I wasn't seeing in the boxes I returned the bulbs and lights to. Usually, as I set up the seasonal décor, I will take down things that are up the rest of the year to make room. These items I pack in the Christmas boxes, than when Christmas is over- I switch them back. This year, I couldn't find most of the framed family pictures that sit on the mantel above our fireplace or any of the cloth napkins that usually sit in a basket on our bar (for the first time, I had put Christmas napkins out this year and stashed the other ones away) and it really was starting to worry me. I have noticed with some alarm that my brain just isn't what it was as recently as 4 or 5 years ago. I know menopause helps bring that on, but it had happened so fast that it was starting to concern me. I do LOTS of word puzzles, especially since I am not working anymore and other things to help exercise my noggin, but still…. it's unsettling to blank out on your neighbor's name or not be able to remember if you fed the dog, because even though his dish is empty doesn't really mean it wasn't full 5 minutes ago. (Though I am sure he loves it when I can't remember and give him another scoop!!) Just a couple months ago my aunt left a significant amount of money at my house for my daughter in an envelope. She forgot to take it with her so I moved that envelope around for a week until I finally put it away. The problem is that I can't remember where I put it "away" to, and honestly, I can't say for sure that I didn't THROW it away- TOTALLY unsettling. So when I had searched the entire house for the pictures and napkins I started to feel sick to my stomach. I was afraid to tell Brian, especially after the whole money thing but I did anyway and I am so glad I did because he just said, "Maybe they are up in the attic in another box and I just didn't get it down to repack Christmas in." I was afraid to even get excited about it, but today I climbed up there and guess what? He was right!! They were in an unmarked, small box that just got lost in the shuffle. I can't tell you how relieved I am. All the family pictures are on the mantel and we once again have cloth napkins that aren't red and green, but I narrowly escaped another Alzheimer's moment. Poor Brian, life with me is always so much more than he signed up for.

What most people don't realize about eating disorders is the havoc it wrecks on your body; physically, emotionally and mentally. It's a common fact that bulimia as well as anorexia can bring on early menopause because it screws up your hormones. I personally started skipping my menstrual cycle and having hot flashes at 35. Even though my tubes were tied, I kept thinking I was pregnant because I felt so weird. Also- I have been told I have a significant heart murmur that my doctor is almost certain to be a direct result of 12 years of hanging my head over a toilet because bulimia malnourishes your body which depletes important nutrients such as potassium that can lead to cardiac arrhythmias and rhythm irregularities, not to mention permanent electrolyte damage. Potassium is vital to nerve conduction, particularily the muscles and nerves of the heart and if eating disorders are severe enough- the heart can stop beating all together. Even now when I have the flu or another episode where I feel like I may throw up, my heart beats like it is coming out of my chest. It's scary and it makes me feel faint, but the damage is irreversible. It even happens to me in the tub sometimes when the water is too hot and I just have to get out and go lie down. I have had many electrocardiograms and ultrasounds on my heart and there isn't anything you can do except keep an eye on it, I just try to eat right and exercise to keep from causing my heart any further problems.

Good times, huh?

If you will allow me to be a little gross for a minute-let's talk about the flu…. Nobody likes to get sick with a stomach virus or flu and nobody enjoys throwing up- even a Bulimic, but we ALL know what it feels like to think "if I could just throw up I would feel SO better….." well, welcome to my world. Most Bulimics lose their natural tendency to vomit without assistance. Now that sounds real good until it happens. Imagine just feeling like you could upchuck and not being physically able to, its torture. I find that even years later that rarely can I ever "get sick" without sticking my finger down my throat to get me started and my gag reflex is almost non- existent from years of abuse, so that makes it even more complicated. You may think that sounds great but it's not, its infuriating, still-one of the biggest challenges for probably the first 10 years after my recovery was getting used to feeling full and not purging. Now, I am not talking about "you ate a 12 ounce steak and an apple pie" full, I am talking about you ate a "decent meal" full. I would have to just "head talk" myself that I wasn't going to burst if I didn't get rid of the food… obviously I have gotten over that part because I am over weight now, but it took lots of time. I still tell Brian that I would love to go one day and not calculate the calories of a meal or play the "well, if I eat this than I shouldn't eat that" game in my head. But I don't know what that feels like. I went 12 years, most of those years vomiting after every meal all the way up to 10-12 times a day (every bite that went into my mouth) it was a constant battle between my hungry body and my mirror. Constant. I find that the mental battles have held on the longest and no matter how many times Brian tells me I am beautiful, I just can't wrap my head around it.

Besides my crazy heart, my teeth have been another battle scar of my bulimia. I said in my last post that a bulimic better have a really great dentist and that is no lie. I love my dentist. Considering that I didn't go to the dentist for years because we didn't have good dental coverage, it's amazing that I even have a tooth in my head- but without a doubt; I can thank Coop (my dentist) that I still do. I had several bad experiences as a child with a local dentist that eventually was sued for holding his hand over the mouth of crying children in his chair. No lie, this guy was a monster. So when as a young married couple, we didn't really have dental coverage- I was good with that. I hated dentists. The only problem was that I had been bathing my teeth in stomach acid for years and they were literally starting to fall apart. When I finally started going to Coop (who is the brother of a good friend or I never would have gone in the first place) I was so traumatized by the sound of the drill I had to wear headphones with music playing just to make it through a session, and there were LOTS of sessions back then because Bulimics loose the enamel off their teeth. I tease him now that I don't think I have any room left for cavities because my back teeth are more filling then they are tooth. The ones closer to the front are either bonded or have crowns because they are so thin. It's terrible and it's expensive but I have gotten over my fear and trust him completely. If I would swear off popcorn (what I keep breaking teeth on!) I think I could save some money but I don't see that happening anytime soon so luckily I really like going to see Coop and the girls. He knows my history of Bulimia and does whatever he can to help me keep what is left of my teeth. Without holding his hand over my mouth to keep me from crying, he really is one of the good guys.

Lastly, the worst battle wound has to be my metabolism. Genetics are a task master and I have told you before that the odds were stacked against me ever being a super model, but even at that most people can lose weight the normal way through diet and exercise if they really try- not me. Bulimia kicks your body into starvation prevention mode and teaches your body to a) dump into your intestines quicker in order to prevent purging and b) to take everything out of the food quicker so it can preserve nutrients and fat for survival. Bulimia aside; women's bodies are already A-1 survivalists. We are built to incubate babies and keep ourselves alive in order to take care of those babies. The reason women store more body fat is for this very reason, survival. It's not an excuse it's fact-if you don't believe me you can look it up in several places online. Consequently, my body was scared of starvation for 12 years so it perfected survival mode. Here is a perfect example. I lost 25 lbs with Weight Watchers a few years ago but I couldn't keep it off long term. In order to keep it off, I would have to continually lower my calories intake and work out even more because my body quickly adjusts to whatever calories I am taking in and holds onto them with fervor. Now I am working on this, and I won't give up but it is SO frustrating. Have you ever seen someone skinny as a rail that could eat anything and not gain an ounce? Again, genetics plays a roll but also their body hasn't been scared of starvation so it behaves normally. Think about how we ruin our kids by teaching them to diet while they are still growing! It screws up their fragile metabolism. Most of the time if you know someone that is what we call "naturally thin" you can ask them what they do to stay skinny and they will probably say they have never dieted- some don't even have a gym membership! That is just astounding. I can't imagine my life without worrying about my weight and thinking about what I eat- that is just beyond me. I wish it weren't so and it sounds incredibly self-seeking but that is the truth. Sadly in a world that is full of drugs, war and devastating illness- some of us can't look in a mirror and like what we see.

I am not proud to be one of those people.

So-the journey continues.

 

A Few of My Favorite Things

 

I was watching just a smidge of Ellen yesterday and she was giving away some of her favorite things to the audience. Now, I am not an Ellen watcher but I was intrigued to see what some of those things were and pleasantly surprised at what she chose. It made me think about what I might give away if I had the chance to share some of the things I love with the ones I love.

Now I am not a material girl in the least so the list of actual objects would be small but I do have some things that I love to do, read and yes- even buy that others might enjoy, so going into 2012 I thought I might share a few of my favorite things with you! Besides I have to dust today and I don't feel like it yet…

 

The Practice of the Presence of God

I told you last week that I really love Stephen King and I wasn't pulling your leg, I really do- but when I read him, I call that "junk" reading. That is no reflection on his writing it is just that I don't get much food for my life out of it, it is like junk food. Not much nutrition but fun to eat.

Usually, I have one "junk" book and one "real" book going at the same time; I am reading "Water for Elephants" right now since finishing "11/22/63" before Christmas. My "real" book is just that; real. Something that helps me in my every day, REAL life and I usually read that as part of my devotional time in the mornings when I reflect, pray and read my bible. I was searching for such a book one day in the library when I came across an old battered copy of this one. Old, battered books will immediately win my heart over every time, there is just nothing like them. This book is a series of interviews and letters with a 17^th century monk- Brother Lawrence. He was an extremely humble man that had a unique relationship with God and a very simplified way of living out his faith. Every time I read it I am reminded what we (man) have made religion and the church and how different that is from what its original form looked like. It was also my first real brush with the Catholic faith, which I have come to love and respect deeply even though I am not Catholic myself (even though my husband calls me a "closet Catholic" J)

I read and re-read this until I bought my own copy but I have never been able to find that original version again. The newer ones are more modern but the old language made it so much richer. It is unusual for me to buy a book because generally, I don't re-read much. But this one is special and I try and read it once a year, at the very least. It is small so that is very do-able. If you follow me on Facebook you will know when I am reading it because I quote it often, you could literally quote the whole book- it is just that relevant.

 

Avocado Toast, Earth Bound Farms salad greens and diet ginger-ale

Although I am not an Ellen watcher I am a Dr. Oz watcher. I don't watch him every day because I don't watch anything every day, I am just not a TV watcher (this is how I keep my house clean by the way…) but IF I were going to, his would be a show I would include.

Last week he was talking about women, aging and belly fat. Three subjects near and dear to my heart J; so I tuned in. He was giving the audience a recipe for a pasta dish you can eat in the morning which I looked up online and tried. (So far I haven't been impressed) BUT while I was cruising around the recipes, I happened on one for Avocado Toast. I tried it and it is SO good!

You take a piece of WW toast; slice one half of an avocado up and lay it across the toast. Then you squeeze a lemon wedge over the top, sprinkle with salt and pepper and then drizzle with olive oil. It is HEAVEN. I have to make myself just eat one piece because avocados are so high in calories, so I made that my new reward for going to the gym in the morning like a good girl. I use coarse salt which I think is nice, but you can use what you have.

I am also trying to keep my fiber intake up to 25 grams like he suggests, so that has been a challenge. For a girl like me who is watching calories; it makes you think about everything you put in your mouth. To get bread with real fiber (6 grams a slice) I had to also get one with 120 calories a slice!! It's worth it because it is really yummy bread but its killing me in the avocado toast dept…. Oh well, one piece should really be enough anyway…… dang it.

I love Meijer too and one reason is that they have these clam shells of organic salad greens in their produce department from Earth Bound Farms. They are pricey but there really is a lot of salad squeezed in there. Brian and I usually eat about 1 large clam shell every 2 weeks; or at least we try to. I sneak as many greens in on him as I can-poor guy! The clam shell keeps better than the bagged salads too but always look at the dates and grab one with a longer range (old stock is generally out front, newer toward the back)

Walmart has them too but I am not sure about the larger size… I know that I have purchased the smaller ones there. And I don't think they were Earth Bound Farms either. The one I buy runs about 5$ for the 1 lb. size. If I am feeling cheap one week, then I stick to Romaine hearts and Aldi's is the best place for those most of the time. My favorite way to eat my "greens" is with lemon juice (fresh squeeze), olive oil and salt and pepper (sound familiar??) I have almost persuaded Brian that this is the best way too- so that makes me double happy. Trying to keep my fella around for a llloooonnngggg time!

Also, Canada Dry Ginger Ale has become just about the only pop that we drink. I would like to say I don't drink diet because I know it's not good for me, but sugary pop makes me sick. They have a cranberry ginger ale too that is good. We don't drink a whole lot of pop, but this is fast becoming our favorite.

Applebee's

I am not crazy about chain restaurants (as you will see below; I love little, local places) BUT Applebee's has some of the best choices for getting a real, healthy dinner that isn't soup and salad. They have some Weight Watcher endorsed meals that are really very good, and some other things that they list calories and fat next to, which I like. That irritates people but I am grateful for it. I may still choose to ignore it, but at least it is there

 

 

Yellow Tail Merlot and Franzia Chardonnay

I am a wine lover and I am not ashamed of that. I think Christians have made way to much fuss over the wrong stuff for WAY too long. We have turned into a bunch of prudes that nobody except other Christians want to be around and that is even iffy. I ask you- what good is that??? We need to stop spending so much time judging other people for what they do and start looking at what we don't do. I make way too many mistakes to start pointing out yours- real or perceived; but that is just my opinion. Don't read this section if it gets your knickers in a knot…. My feelings won't be hurt in the least bit.

I remember being at a bonfire one summer and a girl I worked with bringing Yellow Tail Merlot. She tried to get me to try it but back then I was only drinking Oliver and bubbly stuff. Finally, after a couple glasses of the "bubbly stuff" (and lots of food) she persuaded me and I am so glad she did! It is an inexpensive, berry filled wine with a vanilla aftertaste. It kind of fills your mouth up with flavor. Even Brian likes it and he isn't a Merlot guy. Really good with a steak or a red sauced pasta- Yum!

The other thing that we have discovered is there are a couple really good boxed wines out there. There may actually be more, but boxes are kind of intimidating so we haven't tried many. It's A LOT of wine to take the risk of not liking. A while back, Brian and I read an article about boxed wine in a local entertainment paper called the "Whatz Up?" and we decided to try one that was mentioned: Franzia. We have tried a couple different varietals but settled on the Chardonnay as one that we almost always keep in our frig for dinner or unexpected guests, or just to relax with. Contrary to popular belief that boxed wines are cheap and unpalatable, this wine was dubbed "chuggable" by the article and has proven to live up to that by being a very drinkable, likeable wine. Our daughter-in-law; Chelsea, who is kind of a sweet-bubbly wine drinker even likes it. They also have one called Sunset Blush that is a sweeter, white zinfandel that would probably please a room full of most of your girlfriends too-so keep that in mind for a girls night or a wine punch.

 

For those local to the Fort (Fort Wayne) these are for you! I love my city and it has been an excellent place to raise a family and now enjoy my grandchildren. TONS of stuff to do!

Mad Anthony's on Broadway

Many of you that know me are not surprised I said this first. It is my absolute fav place to eat in Fort Wayne. M A's brews their own beer which is OUT of this world (BTW- I like mine dark and thick, with a hint of coffee and chocolate taste and a creamy head!! YUM! No girly brews for me…..) Besides the beer; the food is outstanding. My favorites are Scotch Eggs and Cheese Curds (for appetizers) and the house salad (mixed greens with red beans and rice on top- great with salsa instead of dressing) or any of the Flat Bread Pizzas. Since I like to eat a little lighter at dinner, if I really want a burger I can usually talk my hubby into splitting their version of a black and blue burger J Just the thought of that and dark beer makes me smile. My husband will tell you that I am partial to the pierced and tattooed wait staff too and that would be correct. If I could pick one place in town to eat every night- it would be here.

Arena Dinner Theater

I don't go here nearly as often as I would like to because sadly it has gotten so expensive that now it has become a rare treat. I used to buy season tickets when my kids were small and then take turns taking them with me. The last I checked it was 35 dollars a person. This is for a very nice dinner and a good play with local actors. They have a website you can visit for details but it is always a good time. Just make sure you check out the play ahead of time so you know it is something you might be interested in. I will sit through anything once, but not everyone is like that. There is a very reasonable cash bar (also for pop) but you get coffee, iced tea and water included with your meal. You can order tickets online or by calling the box office, with a credit card. Check it out, you won't be sorry.

DOWNTOWN!!!!

I started to list everything I love about downtown Fort Wayne but that would take forever. All the eateries (JK's, Dash-In, ect, ect…) all the festivals, the Tin caps and Rock the Plaza!! Just to name a few…. Ok, I am going to talk about Rock the Plaza and the onslaught of great local talent the Fort has…

If you have never been to Rock the Plaza during the summer on the lawn at the main branch of the Allen County Library, you are missing one of the best kept FREE secrets in Fort Wayne. It is a family friendly atmosphere, with wonderful local musicians that play (usually) from 7-10 pm. You can bring your own snacks (I have seen people bring whole dinners) but they usually have food of some kind for sale down there along with a beer vendor. Dunkin Donuts is also in the library and they stay open later on those nights. B.Y.O.- blankets, lawn chairs, ect. This summer you can get a copy of the local "Whatz Up?" paper to see who is playing and when. It's a rockin good time- ALL types of music.

Other than that there is Art in the Park (the actual Art Museum too), Lunch on the Square (Fridays during the summer at Frieman Square; also local musical entertainment), the open market (these are ALL over Fort Wayne)

See? I am doing it anyway and it is impossible to list everything great about downtown. I want to move down there but so far haven't been able to convince my hubby.

Taylor's Dream

This is what is called a "Splash" park on Lake Ave. and again FREE!!! I don't want to butcher it by trying to tell you the story of the girl that created it because I am sure I would mess it up, but this a beautiful spot for kids to play in water and on wonderfully different playground equipment that is handicap accessible (you can read Taylor's wonderful story either at the park or online). My grand girls LOVE it here, especially Lucy who is a little leery of pools yet. She can get cooled off and play and it is just plain fun without the danger of deep water. It's nice for me too because it is easier to supervise. Pack a picnic because there are covered picnic tables too. There are also clean restrooms with plenty of room for changing diapers or wet bathing suits. The only thing I would say is that some type of shoe is a must. I like the cheaper version of crocs and I keep them at my house for the girls. It is beautiful there mostly because much of the play area is covered in astro-turf (that is an old school term, it may have an actual name) which is very green but gets very hot on little feet. Other than that you see all ages there, from babies on up. So much fun!

OH! Also pack sunscreen- not much shade other than the picnic areas. I forgot this one time only, now Gigi keeps it in her truck…

Well, reading over this I know that I have not included everything that I wanted share. I didn't talk about my church (Life Bridge) that I deeply love, or my dentist Dr. George Cooper who I owe the fact that I have teeth to (Bulimics better have an awesome dentist- I will talk about that next blog!) but stick around and I am sure they will come up eventually on this journey because I owe so much to them both.

Enough said- unfortunately it's time to dust!!!