Cloud Burst

I guess it is politically correct that I should issue a warning that this blog is about to turn towards the more "spiritual" aspect of my life. I hope that doesn't make people not want to read my blog, but if it does I guess that is a chance I will take. It is almost impossible to know me and not know that I am a Christian. I don't think I am "preachy" (I hope not anyway- I have been told that I am not) but I also know that if you are close to me long enough you will get side-swiped by my beliefs which are born-again Protestant with strong Catholic overtones- essentially I am a redeemed human working constantly towards conversion; whatever that journey involves. I don't want to debate my stand it just is what it is, which
is that I am very serious about my Jesus- end of discussion. If you don't believe there is an afterlife, well… I guess we will both find out in a little while; won't we?? I just know that I want to live a grace and mercy filled life that involves my Jesus. To me there is no other way to survive. No other life worth living. If you think this makes me weak than you don't know me every well. Stick around and you will find out that I am more than the sum total of my beliefs- I am a survivor. If I am wrong about heaven and hell and you are right… than I have lived a wonderful, charmed life and I have no regrets. If I am right and you are wrong, things are a little more complicated for you. Just sayin'.

Tomorrow is Feb 1^st and next week I will be starting the Blog Book Club on the book Made to Crave, by Lysa TerKeurst. (refer back to my first couple blogs for more info) The plan right now is to read one chapter a week and I will blog about the "personal reflection" questions at the end of the chapter at least a couple times a week. I have spent the past month or so letting you into my personal life, food issues, ect- to lay a little foundation that I hope you have enjoyed and gleaned truths from. I have been accused of putting "my whole life out there on Facebook!!" because of the blog. This is just who I am. I am real and I have nothing to hide. I don't hold people at arm's length; I draw them in. And from what I can gather from the responses to my blog so far- a lot of you needed the blog "hug", so I am happy so far with the way things have gone. I am excited about reading Made to Change with you (for me; second time through…) and even if you don't have the book and are reading along, I think you will still get something from our "discussion". Feel free to comment or message me on Facebook. I will respond to you promptly.

Life is about growth and change, isn't it? Change is often needed and often painful, even if it is necessary. I think of when my boys got braces and went through those first few painful appointments of tightening screws and adjusting wires… or starting a new exercise program … or having a baby. All things that have a good outcome, but require pain and growth, both personally and emotionally. So much of the time that is how God deals with each of us and He gives us lots of examples in life to learn it, stretch us and grow us into the people that He always knew we could be; what He planned for us to be. I have been personally going through this stretching and growing process for the last 8 years. It began with the split of the church we belonged to and raised our children in and is continuing with the move of our only daughter with her family to Indianapolis to help with a young church body there. Sometimes when I have mornings like I had today, when I am just crying with God during my devotions- I wonder how far I have really come and have I learned anything at all? Often I feel like I am one of the Israelites walking around the bottom of that same mountain over and over again (40 years to be exact) because they never learned the lesson God was trying to teach them and continually rebelled against Moses's direction- with the Promised Land within walking distance! Sometimes you just gotta walk in the right direction- it's just that simple. When the church was splintering in a million pieces I would often just sit and cry during what was left of the services. All my old insecurities about being displaced, abandoned, unloved- raising their ugly heads. My church "home" and "family" were shattering right in front of me and it was just about all I could take. In those moments I would feel God not so gently nudging me out of my seat and down to the altar to meet with Him there and reluctantly I would go; crying my eyes out; down to the front. I wasn't alone, there were lots of hurting people then but when I would reach the altar; it was a mystical experience that felt like only me and Him. True to His prodding in my heart, God would whisper words of comfort to my soul- reminding me that church wasn't about a building or the people in it as much as it was about Him and I; and that "we" were good. "We" were solid. "We" would not change, as long as I could hang in there with Him alone. It goes back to that old saying that you shouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater- God isn't the congregation, the pastor or the building. He dwells there, but they aren't Him. Humans and governments falter, only God remains the same. I needed to turn my trust from the physical church back to Him. I wish I could tell you it was the first time I had walked around this mountain but it wasn't… I had been there before.

I have been with my husband Brian for 30 yrs. I met him at 17, I moved from my mom and dad's house to the camp (Bible College) than directly into my home with Brian. Life with him is all I know as an adult. We have grown up together and I trust him with everything in me. That is good and that is bad. For years my biggest single fear was losing Brian. Anytime the subject about fears would come up, without hesitation that would be my answer until one Sunday the Pastor asked us to write down our biggest fear during one of the Sunday sermons. When I wrote down "Losing Brian" I just stared at it. I had never realized how unbalanced that was until that very moment. There is no way Brian can be my all-in-all. He was never meant to be that, he CAN'T be that… if you don't believe me just ask him. The other night we had sort of a "fall out" where I broke down emotionally and he didn't know how to console me. He wanted to talk about it the next day but God had already talked to me about it that morning, so I knew what was coming. I was upset because Brian didn't respond to me the way I thought he should have but he just looked at me helplessly and said, "I didn't know what to do… I wanted to, but I didn't know how." Of course he didn't, he can't read my mind let alone my crazy, strung out emotions. There is only one person that can console me fully and that person has nail prints in His hands. Brian doesn't have those and at some point he will probably leave me in this life because he isn't eternal either… (just so you know) and it's not fair to ask him to be my God.

Neither is it fair to ask that of my baby girl- and I am finding out this week as her move edges closer to reality that once again, I have put my misplaced need for security on another person.

Cherith is my only girl. Because of that, I think we have a special bond. Not only that but she is such a wonderful woman of God that her life constantly reminds me that I may have done something right along the way. It's not that she has this extreme devotional time or prayer life but she WALKS the TALK…

Every. Single. Day.

I am so tired of Christians (and I use that term lightly) that brag about their devotional or prayer life while verbally abusing, being rude or being judgmental of the very people God puts in their life to be Jesus to. I am weary of that. Cherith is real, kind, thoughtful and trustworthy and also has become one of my dearest friends. I am grateful for our relationship and I know those things will never change but in light of the impending move- I find that I can barely function without breaking down in tears. I so want to be strong for her and for the family, but my heart has been so heavy that I find myself again at the base of that same mountain, asking God for help. Begging actually.

Here we go again.

See, Cherith has been a rock for me during some very hard times. I trust her, which isn't the easiest thing for me to do- so because of that I may have leaned on her more than I should have. God reminded me of that this morning. It seems like the last 8 years for me have been all about losing everything I thought would never change and learning to trust God even when reality doesn't look like I thought it would at this stage in my life. I thought we would attend the same church our whole loves (from marryin' to buryin' as the saying goes) that all our kids and their families would attend with us, and that we would all stay right here in Fort Wayne and watch the new little crop of Federspiels grow up around our feet. So far none of that has been the case and believe me I have had many conversations with God about it. It just doesn't seem fair that I have to give up yet another thing… that I can't jump in my car and drive across town so I can be there when Sage wakes up from her nap all sleepy and warm. That she won't come into my house and fly into my arms as often. That somebody else gets to babysit for date nights. That I can't just call and say "what are you guys doing tonight? Want to come over for dinner??" or that they can't meet us downtown for music this summer or that family dinner nights will change and the boys can't pick on Cherith for the way she laughs or talks too loud or something else silly. Honestly- I am struggling with all of that. In my head I know that she is only 2 hours away. But in my heart it's still too far.

This morning while I was crying through my devotional time, God gently nudged me that once again… I am not trusting Him to be my all and all. My best friend. My confidant. He reminded me that it's not really fair to expect so much from my daughter because it isn't her job to be my friend at all. Sure it's a nice perk, but she isn't supposed to take care of me and my feelings, I am the Mama and I have to take care of her. Even when I am feeling selfishly like I can't give her up- can't see my little Roo and my son-in-law, BJ as often. We will both grow from this experience and even though it will be painful, the results will be wonderful.

My sweet girl. This is exactly what I told her tonight when she texted me and said she was feeling sick to her stomach thinking about the move: It WILL be
wonderful. They are doing what they are called to do; born to do- DESTINED to do. She doesn't belong to me after all, she is just a gift from the hand of a very loving Father and just like her two brothers, I need to step back and let her live her life- whatever that may be and trust God with the results.

Besides, God never promised us a Rose Garden. And like that old song says, "Along with the sunshine- there's gotta be a little rain sometimes…"

Because without rain there are no roses of course-and that is my prayer for all of us tonight as our little bit of family "Sunshine"; our Cherith, moves a little further South and Indy gains an anointed, destined family. That because of this little cloud burst, we all grow: closer as a family and more sensitive to the calling of God on our own lives, as we watch them grow in ministry and be blessed in theirs. We won't see them as often but when we do it will be even sweeter than before.

I do trust you Lord. With all my secrets and with all my babies; just like I have from the day You gave them to me.

Guard them safely through the night- and wake them with the morning light. Amen.

I love you Cherith Brook, you ARE my sunshine.