MTC Chapt 2: Maggots in Waiting

I haven't blogged for a week! We went out of town with friends for a couple days then when I came back I started coming down with a bad head cold and haven't really even posted on Facebook more than a couple words here and there. I am still struggling with my sinuses but I didn't want to let more time go by without blogging on Made To Crave, because I know that some of you are reading the book and following the blog so here goes J

I am discovering more and more that I haven't had your run of the mill experience with my eating disorder and I am very grateful for that. I was listening to my pastor teach this morning via the internet at Lifebridge.cc (since I was still sick) and he was talking about being totally healed and recovered once we are praying to be delivered from something. He used alcoholism as an example but I think it can apply to all areas in our life where we have prayed for deliverance whether it is an eating disorder, an addiction or an illness. We have to believe in and expect change when we pray to be delivered from something. I suffered from depression so dark for many years that I used to actually pray that I would just get sick and die so that Brian and the kids would have a chance to be happier with someone else as their wife and mom. I didn't want to have an accident or kill myself because that would be too hard on them, but I thought if I could get sick and die a little slower they would be more prepared… I can't even believe it now that I actually prayed and sincerely thought like that but I did. I felt so low and so bad about myself that I really wanted to die. The day God delivered me from that depression, I was sitting in a hospital room where I was being treated for what they had originally thought was a nervous breakdown but ended up being low blood sugar. I had been journaling about what I was feeling and the presence of God came into that room so strongly, I can't even explain it to you. For the first time in a long time, I felt important to God and His plan. I knew at that moment He loved me and wanted me, flaws and all. I stayed 5 days in a room that was supposed to be a double occupancy but nobody ever checked in with me and I know now that was God ordained so it would be just me and Him. I needed to get to the place where I remembered that I was part of a bigger plan and that He would never leave me. When I left that hospital I was never the same. I had got down and dirty with God during that time. I had told Him all my hopes, dreams and fears. I had some follow up counseling sessions after I was discharged but I only went to a couple because I knew right away that they wanted me to do things that I didn't need to do which was basically rehash every event from my childhood until the present day and dredge up all the hurts, old and new. To me forgiveness means leaving some things in your past, leaving some things buried. Buried is dead after all. You dig that up and all it does is stink and attract maggots… and nothing good can come from that. Nothing. So against every one with a PHD's better judgment, I discharged myself from the therapist's care and walked away and I have to be honest with you, I never regretted it. God had done more in those 5 days than any counseling sessions could have accomplished. Do I believe in counseling?? Sure. I told you in other posts that I was in a group counseling atmosphere for 5 years for other matters; I just believe as Christians we need to know when enough is enough. After all we say we are new creatures in Christ but when does that take over all our old garbage? We say we are whole with new hearts and new lives so why do we still want to live in the coffin of our pasts? We say we are healed but we still tell everyone that will listen about our aches and pains…… I have an idea, let me share it with you- one word….

Retreat.

That's right: Retreat. The Catholics believe in doing this and I think it is genius. Once a year, go someplace quiet and get alone with God for a couple days. Can't do a couple? How about 24 hours? Go to a park and stay in one of their hotels or cabins during an off season and stay 24 hours; one night and a part of 2 days. Somewhere close by so you don't have to drive all day to get there. Turn off the TV, put your cell away, get out your bible and retreat into a quiet place with God. Tell Him what is going on. Tell Him you fears, hopes and dreams. You can fast or treat yourself to a couple good meals, whatever your soul needs. I think that is what happened to me in the hospital even though it was unintentional. I finally got away from all the distractions and quiet enough to really hear what God was trying to say to me. When it was just me and Him, I could hear Him. I don't recommend almost having a nervous breakdown to get to that place, but God has a way of using what the enemy intends to destroy us and turn it for His good use. When I was first admitted they wouldn't let me talk to my family for 24 hrs. then it was another 24 before I could have a visit from them. That first visit, my husband carried my youngest son out crying for his Mama. He was only 3 and he couldn't understand why I wasn't at home. I watched his little face crumble when Brian told him it was time to go and to kiss Mommy good-bye. I knew at that moment I had been wrong about leaving them because it could never be easy; whether illness or accident. I was it seemed, all they wanted too. Flaws and all.

The world makes it way too easy to explain our faults away to addiction or illness or rotten childhoods. We long for someone or somewhere to point a finger at and lay blame. It has to be someone or some "things" fault that we are essentially flawed human beings with addictive personalities and fragile bodies. Surely, it can't be because of choices we ourselves have made. Surely, the finger shouldn't be pointed at us…. should it? When are we delivered? When are we healed? That was what my pastor was saying this morning when he stated we shouldn't be telling people we are alcoholics if we are Christians that don't abuse alcohol anymore. What have we been delivered from if not all those old things that chained us down? How can I still suffer from depression and an eating disorder after that "A-Ha" moment with God in a hospital room? Isn't that a slap in His face if I still see myself the same old way? Is the reason we don't claim deliverance and healing because it is just so much easier to lay the blame on those things instead of where it really lies? Are we really sick or are we just too lazy to run the vacuum cleaner? Is it easier to hang onto the hurt of abuse than forgive and move forward? Do we use that hurt as a shelf for our excuses? You are probably saying that I don't understand but sadly; I do. The battle begins and ends in our emotions. I have fought it and still fight it; almost daily.

This chapter in MTC was about replacing our cravings with good things. Lysa used prayer as her replacement and stated that brick-by-brick she laid a path of prayer where her old eating habits once were; while some people use exercise or healthier choices like vegetables or fruit as their bricks. For me, it is just more basic than that. For me it's about that first wrong choice that triggers that craving and that culprit is carbs. If I start my day with a carb (sweet or unsweet) of some sort, then I start a landslide that follows me most of the day. If I pair that carb with some protein, I do much better- like whole wheat toast and peanut butter for example. I know what my triggers are and it's up to me to change the chain of events. You better bet I pray about it too. I really do. But the initial choice is mine to make and like so many people have been so gracious to remind me, there are so many more important things than worrying about weight and what I am eating every day, so if I can start my day off better then hopefully I will have a leg up mentally too because I will know I did what I could to stop the cycle. After all I am not bulimic anymore; I have been set free. That old habit is dead and buried and full of maggots, and that is where it needs to stay. If I keep re-animating it my life starts to look like an old black and white re-run of Dawn of the Dead and even though I love old horror films; that is a not a side of me I delight in resuscitating.

It stinks and I don't want to go back there…. now THAT would be really depressing and since I have been delivered from that too- the maggots will just have to wait.

MTC: Chapt. 1 What is Really Going On Here?

We crave what we eat. Case in point: the last 16 or so hours.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I wanted to make something special for Brian. We are going out of town this weekend and I knew we would be eating out and spending money so, I planned a nice evening in with candle-lit comfort foods, slow dancing in the living room and decadent dessert. It was so great! So wonderful in fact that beside the point that I had to make everything and clean it up- it won hands down over going out for an over-priced, crowded dinner at a restaurant. I really didn't mind making everything and cleaning up just not sure I want to do it every year.... but we both really enjoyed it. I had taken a recipe off the internet several months ago for Rigatoni with Chicken Sausage and Spicy Vodka Sauce and was holding onto it for a special occasion because it had heavy cream and cheese and sausage and it was well... "special" since I really try to feed us healthy most of the time, but I thought "hey it's V-Day, so why not??" and it was DELISH!! Well worth the wait. Only one problem; I havent been able to get my eating back under control since we ate it last night at seven o'clock.

I couldn't stop eating it. The whole time frame I was cleaning up, putting the left overs in the frig, ect ect..I was picking at it. Then at 10 pm it was calling my name so I heated up a bowlful and ate it again. Even this morning I was seriously contemplating over whether I should eat it for breakfast.... (really)... instead I ended up eating two pieces of thin pumpernickel bread with whipped butter. That sounds like victory but it is only 11:30 a.m. and I have also eaten a piece of homemade pumpkin- cranberry- sunflower bread and a bowl of Weight Watchers Spicy Mac and Cheese... so yeah, I didn't really gain an ounce of victory over it. I am thinking in hindsight that I should of just ate the stupid pasta that I originally wanted and been full.....

*Insert heavy (no pun intended) sigh here*

Thankfully I am headed to Turnstone to chase preschoolers for 3 hrs so it should break the cycle and I have Zumba tonight so I am hoping to burn some extra calories off BUT the fact of the matter is that carbs are a HUGE trigger for me. HUGE. And if I am going to indulge I have to get a different strategy for how I am going to handle the following 24 hrs. because I am NOT a believer in never enjoying the things I like ever ever again just because I am constantly in a battle with my blue jeans- there has to be a balance. But I can't deny the fact that what I eat certainly triggers a chain of events that can lead to disaster. Like gaining back the one pound I actually lost last week and between you and me: I was not brave enough to get on the scale this morning. I just couldn't do it.
In this chapter, Lysa talk's about triggers and what some of her battles have been, and she can certainly relate. She states that Dictionary.com defines the word "craving"  as meaning something you long for greatly, desire eagerly and beg for. I have to admit that in light of that particular definition, it makes my last battle with the pasta, pretty pathetic- even to someone with Italian blood in their veins.

Psalm 84:1-2 says "How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints for the courts of the Lord; and my heart and flesh cry out for the living God" now THAT is the kind of yearning I want to have and brag about... not some creamy, spiced up Valentine's dish. (Even if it was utterly divine) I want to crave, yearn, long for the things of the Lord instead. Beg to be in His presence. Hunger for His word. I do get there sometimes. Especially when I am having a crazy busy week and my devotional time is brief or non- existent- I will actually long to come into the presence of my Saviour and just relax in that moment. I know some of you have been battling with that too- just missing your devotional time with Him. It's something that can easily get overlooked because we are so busy in this life and I get that.... I am guilty of that too and I don't work or have little ones around every day. But the fact of the matter is that we will only crave what we have tasted; just like me and the carbs. It's impossible to miss something you have never experienced. This is why it is so hard to explain Christianity to anyone who doesn't confess to be one or hasn't had the experiences with it that we have had... there is nothing to compare it to. It starts out as a longing for most of us or a feeling that something is missing (often referred to as the God Void). People want to say, "Well that is fine for you but I don't need that to live a happy life." The only thing is that really experiencing God in all His fullness is like getting that very first taste of something decadent. You don't know how really GOOD it is because you have never tasted!! And having a regular devotional time to sit, reflect, pray and read is like getting another bite. It's when we say, "Oh- now I remember why I love this so much! It is just so DELICIOUS!" So sweet. So comforting. So satisfying. And just like that cold bowl of leftover pasta called my name at 10 o'clock last night- the Holy Spirit will whisper into your spirit filling it with the longing that only one thing can satisfy.
Oh, we can sometimes silence those longings too... just like deciding to stay away from sugar while you try and get healthier. We stay home from church because we don't need a building to be a Christian. We stop reading our bible because all in all most of us have read it through at least once or twice. We stop having a daily quiet time because we are just too busy and then soon... we loose our craving because the taste has gone stale in our mouth. Do you have to do those things to be a Christian?? Of course not, but it sure makes it easier. Think about this. If you desire to pursue a relationship with someone what do you do? You spend time with them and you learn their interests. Why? Because that is how you get to know what means the most to them and caring about that is caring about them. You get to know their family because that is where they come from. Their family usually knows what makes them tick and you are interested in that because you are interested in them. You are right about the church. The disciples didnt belong to the First United Church of Tyrus.  And they were too busy writing and living out the bible so they most likely didn't have a daily devotional time either. But for us. YOU and ME. Jesus wasn't born in our family's lifetime and babysat our kids. We have to seek out information if we want to have a relationship with Him. We need to attend church, not because it is full of perfect people that have all the answers- but because it is full of imperfect people that are striving to find them, just like we are. You see, we weren't created to do anything alone. God set it up so we would have to form realtionship to form a family. I used to tell the youth group that God could have chosen any way He pleased to repopulate the earth- He CHOSE the family unit. Parents, kids, grandparents, cousins. Why? So we would practice all the ins and outs of relationship and eventually pursue one with Him. He loves relationship! Even wolves mate for life and look how much your dog loves you. I feel like this is one of the strongest proofs of creation versus evolution- though I do believe that there were some things that evolved over time. You can Big Bang an atom into existence but not a personality. You might be able to create an embryo in a petri dish but where did the way that little fella loves his Mama come from?? Things can be created but feelings, emotion, compassion... THAT is an entirely different story. Those could only come from the hand of a God that knew we would need them. A God that created us to want relationship with others and with Him. The very one that put inside us that ability to crave. Desire. Long for. Beg for. He was just hoping beyond hope that we would choose Him to turn that craving towards, and it's that sweet choice that seperates us from all other living things, because we are the ones He wants relationship with.
One of my all time favorite scriptures is (New Living Translation) Psalm 27: 8 "My heart has heard you say-Come and talk with me! And my heart responds, Lord I am coming."
The biggest difference is that the essence of my God craving comes from my heart- and the essence of my pasta craving from my stomach.... or something like that. My heart craves for its time with God, but I have to willingly make the choice to give in to that and I am not proud to confess that at times that craving isn't as loud as the other one and often it is because I don't readily feed it.

We have these DVD's in the house that the little Grand Girls just love. They are called Praise Baby . They are a series of worship songs set to fun music with lots of pictures and activity of things that little ones like. Even our oldest granddaughter; Lucy, will dance and sing if there is one playing. The youngest, Leah is now getting to the age where she knows what the box looks like and she will waddle over to the shelf and get them out and bring them to me. Among all the other dvds, she knows them. I have tried to presuade her otherwise and it doesn't work, believe me. What is the draw?? Jesus. It is IN us to worship. The bible says that God has to be worshipped and if we didn't do it, the rocks would cry out. You should see the little girls faces when the familiar music starts; they LIGHT UP!
Sage (the 2 yr old) will clasp her hands together and say "Here it comes Gigi!! Here it comes!!" How happy those words from an excited toddler must make a God who longs to be craved by us.

Thanks to Praise Baby-in this house at least, the rocks don't stand a chance.

Psychological Problems Now Seem Insane

Well, I started the week off talking about the intro to Made to Crave and also about a book I am reading on my Kindle right now that is called "Swallow" and Oh Em Gee… I am even more convinced that you have to read it! For one thing, I never thought that the content would coincide so nicely with the beginning of MTC like it has. I won't give away any huge secrets but like I said last time this young woman has a psychological ball in her throat that interferes with her eating and breathing at an alarming rate of intensity. The author does such a great job of describing it that I have a hard time eating breakfast when I get home from the gym, which is unusual because I am usually starving when I get home (ok, I can always eat- let's just be honest. It's the Italian in me…) I can't tell you exactly what happens because it is a huge direction changer in the story but let's just say- I said, "NO way! You have got to be kidding!!" when it happened; right out loud in front of all the other elliptical users. It really was a surprise and genius that the author placed it in just the right spot- and here is one of the reasons why.

I have gotten some flack about writing about my eating disorder and my own struggles with food and self-image. I am almost 50 and there are WAY more important things in the world than food-slash- weight issues- I know this. I also know that I am not morbidly obese (never said I was) and that I have a very sweet husband and a loving family that loves me exactly as I am; to a fault usually. The actual food part of my eating disorder was mostly over with by the time I was 30; that's not saying I wasn't purging anymore-but it had clearly peaked and then trickled by then. I am one of the lucky ones. I was hospitalized once for depression and was also in counseling for several years to deal with some stuff in my past but even at that I have had a very blessed life. God has been SO good to me and there aren't many things I would change if I could. I say ALL that because I want you to know that I DO get what is important in life and what I see in the mirror is not the focus of my every waking moment. There was a time when it was though, and I remember what that was like. It was a constant conversation inside my head- much like the heroin in the story Swallow. She soon finds out that her "problem" is much deeper than the ball in her throat and she deals with many issues that people with eating disorders have. Even though the symptoms she presents aren't typical of an eating disorder they certainly are symptoms that are in direct correlation to food and eating. After the direction changing "event" that happens about 80% of the way through the book, the heroin Sophie gets an email from her psychiatrist that he isn't going to be in his office but she can email him if a "crisis develops." In response, she makes this statement that in light of current happenings "Psychological problems now seem insane". That is it in a nutshell and what a powerful statement.

When I was homeschooling and doing lesson plans and trying to teach my kids long division- what I grabbed to eat didn't take much thought, it also didn't carry much guilt. I was too busy to think about it.

When my son overdosed a few years later, what I weighed didn't matter as I looked at all the machines he was hooked up to and prayed. I know what it's like to feel like nothing else matters in a moment but the miracle you need.

The day my grandbabies are born I don't count the calories in the cafeteria food. When I go on vacation, I don't plan my meals out in my head like I do most other days. I know how to relax and have fun. The days I have my little girls here; I eat hot dogs and chicken nuggets and bake cookies. I am really able to stay balanced most of the time. My husband and I's favorite date night is a Redbox movie and our favorite thin crust Hawaiian Pizza!! I drink wine and love thick, dark beer. I DO know there is more to life than calories, scales and pants sizes- I DO get it…. But…

The 2011 October issue of Time magazine reported that in 1950 22% of our personal spending was on food (meaning groceries only), 10% on clothing, 13% on housing, 3% on healthcare and 3% on financial services and insurance. In 2010, that had changed to 7% on food, 3% on clothing, 18% on housing, a whopping 16% on healthcare and 8% on financial services and insurance. I find the fact that our grocery bills have gone down and our healthcare bills have gone up- hard to ignore. What it didn't account for were meals eaten out in either fast food establishments or in restaurants; but it doesn't take a professional economist to know that we eat out more now than people did in 1950. I know that the rise of two income families makes it hard for home-cooked meals to be prepared in a lot of houses, but what we have to realize is that there will be a price to pay for all of that in our health. There is no way that most (I said "most" don't blow a gasket…) restaurants can cook as healthy as we can at home and stay affordable. We have got to start taking more time to plan and cook meals if we are going to reverse the effects of what our crazy busy life styles have done to us. Not to mention the fact that our kids are growing up around restaurant booths instead of family dinner tables. I used to LOVE sitting down with my kids and I saw them all day every day for the 7 years we home schooled and I can tell you the secret to a happy 30 year marriage, or at least one of them: I FEED him. Brian will tell you today that he looks forward to coming home each and every day, and having dinner either waiting or relatively soon after he gets there; is part of that. I have a saying that I used to tell my own daughter and I have told young wives too "Feed them and they will come home!" It sounds so basic to us as woman, but it will do wonders in your home. It doesn't have to be home cooked cuisine every night but on the flip side; not many of us have an excuse for eating out every SINGLE night either. Start small by cooking twice a week. It will make a difference in your family. If you don't know where to start; there are so many cook books about cooking quick meals with few ingredients. Need your husband to help you? Try the cook book "A Man, A Can and A Plan" it is a really fun but realistic approach to a man in the kitchen.

Valentine's Day is coming up… how about planning ahead and cooking a special dinner?? I am making Chicken Sausage Rigatoni with Spicy Vodka Sauce, Caesar salad and home-made vanilla ice cream with hot fudge J… and Yes, I am lighting candles. Do I deserve to go out?? Probably. But Brian deserves to be somebody's Valentine too…. Just a thought.

Anyway, there really are more important things in the world than weight. People are starving. The unborn are in a constant battle to survive the womb. There are bombs, wars and ridiculous health care plans to worry about; but we have to take care of ourselves too. I've said it before and I will say it again- I am trying to keep my husband around for a really long time, which means I plan, shop and cook most of his meals paying attention to fiber, fat, salt and calories. There is nothing psychological about that but in today's world….it may be psycho not to.

Body of Death

As you know by now if you have read any of my bloggings, I am an avid reader and I usually have 2-3 books going at the same time. Right now I have "Swallow" on my Kindle that I read on the elliptical at the gym 4-5 times a week. (Interesting fact: I can't read an actual book while on the elliptical because the motion makes me sick-but I can read a book on my Kindle just fine. Now, figure that one out…)

Swallow is a novel about a young, new lawyer that has a psychological ball in her throat that interferes with her eating and breathing... I think it was a freebie for my Kindle and it has been pretty good so far. The second book that I read in the morning during my devotional time is normally more spiritual so I am currently reading Pope Benedict's book "Jesus of Nazereth" along with my bible. Our church is reading through the gospels together this year so it has been a perfect companion. It is really good but very heavy, so I can only read a couple pages at a time- more of a book to be savored than gulped down; I am also re-reading Made to Crave for the blog so yeah- my reading "plate" is pretty full.

Since for most of my life now I usually have had several books going at once- I have developed some not so great habits along the way. One is that I sometimes read so fast I miss important parts of the book and have to go back… ("skimming" is what this is formally called. Terrible thing I do when the book is boring me a little) or I may read too fast and too long if I am really excited about a book and can't wait to see what happens next. I have actually read books so fast that I forgot I read them. Until I get them home from the library again and start them again…. BUT the one thing I do that I am really trying to change is that I don't read the introductions. That is until my brother started writing books. I wanted to read every letter, word and punctuation he put on paper so I read his introductions and I discovered that introductions often lay some ground work or thoughts that the author has about the book that aids in the telling of the story. I am so glad that I read Jim's books before Made to Crave, because I learned the value of a good introduction just in time to read Lysa's. If you have started reading MTC with me, I hope that you will go back and read her introduction no matter where you are because she is just so real. Just a simple woman learning about herself along the path of Life- or as she calls herself, "a Jesus Girl on a journey to find deeper motivation than just a number on my scale for getting and staying healthy."

See, it HAS to be about more than that- we all know it and even if we don't know it yet, we sense it. I have lots of knocks against me in the weight department. Genetically I am not going to be skinny. I love to cook and then eat it. I am a wine drinker and I enjoy that part of my life. AND I had an eating disorder for 12 years that screwed up what was left of my metabolism. I have been accused of being obsessed with weight but I am not really obsessed with the numbers anymore as much as with the way I feel at a smaller number. My lower back has been a problem for me for about the last 10 yrs. I carried my babies everywhere (still don't like babies carried in car seats…); now I carry their babies and I was a nursing assistant for several years. I am also not good at asking for help, which means I push, pull, move and carry WAY more than I should ever attempt on my own. I am a true pear shape and carry most of my weight between my belly button and my thighs and stomach fat is extra hard on your lower back (remember pregnancy?) SO when my stomach is smaller- my back feels better- plus I have 3 (working on the fourth) little grand girls that I have to keep up with!! I want to be a partaker in their lives not a bystander. I still cook full family dinners for my WHOLE family- I don't intend to stop. Not to mention that I want to be the healthiest, sexiest wife for my deserving husband that I can be!! Who doesn't want that?? If you say you don't you are either in denial or just plain crazy…. I want my husband thinking about me when we are apart and I mean in the BIBLICAL sense. Sorry if that is TMI but hey, it's the truth and even if he does love me exactly the way I am and I know he does, I have to feel good about myself in order to feel good with him BIBLICALLY and I don't think I am the only one. When my man comes home and says he has been thinking about me all day…. Pure MUSIC to my ears, Baby… Sweet music…. and I plan to keep it that way at least until we are 80- then it may be open for discussion. Maybe.

As long as we are being real, I want to say that I am starting my journey at 162 lbs. and it's not easy for me to admit that. I won't even go to the dr, because I don't want the nurse to see that number and it is 7 lbs higher then I was when I GAVE BIRTH. Now how many of you can say that?? I will say though that I am slowly coming down since I started at 167 myself (same as Lysa when she wrote the book) so even though I am making slow progress, the numbers are moving in the right direction and I am dealing with it. I have been much smaller at 112; the height of my bullemia-and a tad bigger at 172 ish about 10 years ago. Healthy, I have only been able to get down to 125 but I couldn't maintain it for very long and a few years ago I was at 142 which is where I would like to be again. I felt good there and I looked pretty good for a post-menopausal grandma. After all I am 48 and I am not trying to be 25 again. I like 48 actually- I love my life (even in the biblical sense)

All in all- just like Lysa says in the introduction; getting healthy isn't just about losing weight. It's about recalibrating our souls so we want to change. Spiritually, it's about putting everything in its proper place. We were never created to live to eat, only to eat to live. As Christians with all of our taboos- some real, some imagined- we center so much of our meetings, outings and social gatherings around food. I am guilty of this as much as the next person…. Not saying I don't enjoy it but it would be quite a challenge wouldn't it? To have a seminar without refreshments…..how would we feel about that? Lysa also points out that the first sin in the garden centered around food with the temptation of Eve. Wouldn't that be an interesting bible study? How many significant things happened in the bible that included food? I can think of two right away as I write this.- Abel was killed because Cain's offering of food from the garden wasn't pleasing in God's eyes or how about the children of Israel with their manna obsession? It wasn't really about the food in any of those examples per say- but then again, it never really is.

Physically, I already mentioned my back and my libido, but there are a host of other physical reasons to be healthy. I am not a complainer. Some people may think I am weight obsessed but many others are ailment obsessed. All they want to talk about are their aches and pains. I see managing my weight as a no brainer when it comes to that. I feel better and my joints don't hurt as much when I am at a reasonable, healthier weight. I was taking ibuprofen every day for my left elbow, right shoulder and back, before Christmas. Since I started back at the gym- it has all stopped hurting. I don't even like exercising but I can't ignore the difference it makes in my body and since I don't see myself getting any younger, I drag my butt out of bed at 5:30 a.m. and go to the gym. Thank God for attached garages and heated seats. It sure makes it easier in Indiana winter!! Not to mention working out and eating right helps fight diabetes and heart disease. I may not be perfect and I may not be a super model, but mama didn't raise no dummy either.

Lastly, Mentally- and this is HUGE for me, if not the biggest reason for getting and staying healthy. My mind is a battlefield and my self-worth is the P.O.W.... I may not be sticking my fingers down my throat to purge anymore but sometimes I don't think my head has healed a whole lot. I often tell Brian that I wish for one day that I could see me like he sees me. Just a glimpse. What my head tells me that my eyes see is so screwed up. The other day I was talking to an old HS boyfriend of mine of Facebook and he was saying that he thought that I "still looked so good." I was floored. I mean I am used to Brian telling me I am beautiful and I usually justify it by saying he is so used to me or has been married so long his gage for "beautiful" is off. Also, I know that Brian sees the whole package and not just the physical me. I am the same with him even though he is still so stinking cute; but alas- I regress…

My eyes never see what other people do but if I am at least trying to be healthy and make better choices I FEEL better about WHAT I see, even if it is still more of me then I would like it to be. Does that make sense? I owe it to myself, my family and my God to do the best I can with what I have to do it with. No complaining and no compromise-no more excuses. I want the best quality of life that I can live while on this quality challenged Earth. Makes me think of a t-shirt I saw on someone not too long ago- I really want that shirt too because in more ways than one, so often it is the cry of my heart; it said, "Lord- save me from this body of death!!" Great huh? A mouthful.

Pardon the pun. Read the intro to MTC you won't regret it- talk to you in a couple days