I haven't written anything but Facebook posts for a week now. I find that; at least for me anyway- writing is kind of like being Bulimic. When it is inside me, it fights to come out with such intensity that I can scarcely contain it. It consumes my every thought even to the point of sleeplessness. On the contrary- if it isn't there, than there isn't much that I can do to conjure it. This more than anything else may be the reason that I may never be a great writer. I have started many books in my lifetime and haven't finished one yet though I am hoping to fix that in 2012. I am also hoping the fact that I am pouring my heart out in two places- here in the blog and then also in the book, to be the reason that I have been dry this past week. I find that along with the writing, my life has been dry in other areas as well- so maybe as the rains come flooding back into my soul, the writing will eek out. I hope it does, because when I can't write now, I find that I really miss it.
Putting away the Christmas decorations this year, I realized that there were some pretty significant things that I wasn't seeing in the boxes I returned the bulbs and lights to. Usually, as I set up the seasonal décor, I will take down things that are up the rest of the year to make room. These items I pack in the Christmas boxes, than when Christmas is over- I switch them back. This year, I couldn't find most of the framed family pictures that sit on the mantel above our fireplace or any of the cloth napkins that usually sit in a basket on our bar (for the first time, I had put Christmas napkins out this year and stashed the other ones away) and it really was starting to worry me. I have noticed with some alarm that my brain just isn't what it was as recently as 4 or 5 years ago. I know menopause helps bring that on, but it had happened so fast that it was starting to concern me. I do LOTS of word puzzles, especially since I am not working anymore and other things to help exercise my noggin, but still…. it's unsettling to blank out on your neighbor's name or not be able to remember if you fed the dog, because even though his dish is empty doesn't really mean it wasn't full 5 minutes ago. (Though I am sure he loves it when I can't remember and give him another scoop!!) Just a couple months ago my aunt left a significant amount of money at my house for my daughter in an envelope. She forgot to take it with her so I moved that envelope around for a week until I finally put it away. The problem is that I can't remember where I put it "away" to, and honestly, I can't say for sure that I didn't THROW it away- TOTALLY unsettling. So when I had searched the entire house for the pictures and napkins I started to feel sick to my stomach. I was afraid to tell Brian, especially after the whole money thing but I did anyway and I am so glad I did because he just said, "Maybe they are up in the attic in another box and I just didn't get it down to repack Christmas in." I was afraid to even get excited about it, but today I climbed up there and guess what? He was right!! They were in an unmarked, small box that just got lost in the shuffle. I can't tell you how relieved I am. All the family pictures are on the mantel and we once again have cloth napkins that aren't red and green, but I narrowly escaped another Alzheimer's moment. Poor Brian, life with me is always so much more than he signed up for.
What most people don't realize about eating disorders is the havoc it wrecks on your body; physically, emotionally and mentally. It's a common fact that bulimia as well as anorexia can bring on early menopause because it screws up your hormones. I personally started skipping my menstrual cycle and having hot flashes at 35. Even though my tubes were tied, I kept thinking I was pregnant because I felt so weird. Also- I have been told I have a significant heart murmur that my doctor is almost certain to be a direct result of 12 years of hanging my head over a toilet because bulimia malnourishes your body which depletes important nutrients such as potassium that can lead to cardiac arrhythmias and rhythm irregularities, not to mention permanent electrolyte damage. Potassium is vital to nerve conduction, particularily the muscles and nerves of the heart and if eating disorders are severe enough- the heart can stop beating all together. Even now when I have the flu or another episode where I feel like I may throw up, my heart beats like it is coming out of my chest. It's scary and it makes me feel faint, but the damage is irreversible. It even happens to me in the tub sometimes when the water is too hot and I just have to get out and go lie down. I have had many electrocardiograms and ultrasounds on my heart and there isn't anything you can do except keep an eye on it, I just try to eat right and exercise to keep from causing my heart any further problems.
Good times, huh?
If you will allow me to be a little gross for a minute-let's talk about the flu…. Nobody likes to get sick with a stomach virus or flu and nobody enjoys throwing up- even a Bulimic, but we ALL know what it feels like to think "if I could just throw up I would feel SO better….." well, welcome to my world. Most Bulimics lose their natural tendency to vomit without assistance. Now that sounds real good until it happens. Imagine just feeling like you could upchuck and not being physically able to, its torture. I find that even years later that rarely can I ever "get sick" without sticking my finger down my throat to get me started and my gag reflex is almost non- existent from years of abuse, so that makes it even more complicated. You may think that sounds great but it's not, its infuriating, still-one of the biggest challenges for probably the first 10 years after my recovery was getting used to feeling full and not purging. Now, I am not talking about "you ate a 12 ounce steak and an apple pie" full, I am talking about you ate a "decent meal" full. I would have to just "head talk" myself that I wasn't going to burst if I didn't get rid of the food… obviously I have gotten over that part because I am over weight now, but it took lots of time. I still tell Brian that I would love to go one day and not calculate the calories of a meal or play the "well, if I eat this than I shouldn't eat that" game in my head. But I don't know what that feels like. I went 12 years, most of those years vomiting after every meal all the way up to 10-12 times a day (every bite that went into my mouth) it was a constant battle between my hungry body and my mirror. Constant. I find that the mental battles have held on the longest and no matter how many times Brian tells me I am beautiful, I just can't wrap my head around it.
Besides my crazy heart, my teeth have been another battle scar of my bulimia. I said in my last post that a bulimic better have a really great dentist and that is no lie. I love my dentist. Considering that I didn't go to the dentist for years because we didn't have good dental coverage, it's amazing that I even have a tooth in my head- but without a doubt; I can thank Coop (my dentist) that I still do. I had several bad experiences as a child with a local dentist that eventually was sued for holding his hand over the mouth of crying children in his chair. No lie, this guy was a monster. So when as a young married couple, we didn't really have dental coverage- I was good with that. I hated dentists. The only problem was that I had been bathing my teeth in stomach acid for years and they were literally starting to fall apart. When I finally started going to Coop (who is the brother of a good friend or I never would have gone in the first place) I was so traumatized by the sound of the drill I had to wear headphones with music playing just to make it through a session, and there were LOTS of sessions back then because Bulimics loose the enamel off their teeth. I tease him now that I don't think I have any room left for cavities because my back teeth are more filling then they are tooth. The ones closer to the front are either bonded or have crowns because they are so thin. It's terrible and it's expensive but I have gotten over my fear and trust him completely. If I would swear off popcorn (what I keep breaking teeth on!) I think I could save some money but I don't see that happening anytime soon so luckily I really like going to see Coop and the girls. He knows my history of Bulimia and does whatever he can to help me keep what is left of my teeth. Without holding his hand over my mouth to keep me from crying, he really is one of the good guys.
Lastly, the worst battle wound has to be my metabolism. Genetics are a task master and I have told you before that the odds were stacked against me ever being a super model, but even at that most people can lose weight the normal way through diet and exercise if they really try- not me. Bulimia kicks your body into starvation prevention mode and teaches your body to a) dump into your intestines quicker in order to prevent purging and b) to take everything out of the food quicker so it can preserve nutrients and fat for survival. Bulimia aside; women's bodies are already A-1 survivalists. We are built to incubate babies and keep ourselves alive in order to take care of those babies. The reason women store more body fat is for this very reason, survival. It's not an excuse it's fact-if you don't believe me you can look it up in several places online. Consequently, my body was scared of starvation for 12 years so it perfected survival mode. Here is a perfect example. I lost 25 lbs with Weight Watchers a few years ago but I couldn't keep it off long term. In order to keep it off, I would have to continually lower my calories intake and work out even more because my body quickly adjusts to whatever calories I am taking in and holds onto them with fervor. Now I am working on this, and I won't give up but it is SO frustrating. Have you ever seen someone skinny as a rail that could eat anything and not gain an ounce? Again, genetics plays a roll but also their body hasn't been scared of starvation so it behaves normally. Think about how we ruin our kids by teaching them to diet while they are still growing! It screws up their fragile metabolism. Most of the time if you know someone that is what we call "naturally thin" you can ask them what they do to stay skinny and they will probably say they have never dieted- some don't even have a gym membership! That is just astounding. I can't imagine my life without worrying about my weight and thinking about what I eat- that is just beyond me. I wish it weren't so and it sounds incredibly self-seeking but that is the truth. Sadly in a world that is full of drugs, war and devastating illness- some of us can't look in a mirror and like what we see.
I am not proud to be one of those people.
So-the journey continues.
No comments:
Post a Comment