Things Lost

I have always loved Stephen King.

Oh, I know some of you are groaning right now… oh, it's too scary… oh, he is too vulgar….oh, he is too weird.

Yes. Yes, he is all of that but he is also a GENIUS when it comes to writing. He has an amazing gift of locking you in a story and I have been reading his books since I was old enough to read chapters. Even-(gasp)-as a Christian. I know some of you are going to lose you salvation over that revelation… or be afraid I have lost mine. No worries J

"Carrie" and "Salem's Lot" came out in 1974 and 75 and I am pretty sure I read them shortly thereafter. I would have been 12 or 13, they scared the ba-jezus out of me and I have been hooked every since. I love, love, LOVE a good horror story (you can pray for me if it makes you feel better) and he is the best there is. Anyone with any experience at all with writing OR reading- already knows this. It is just a fact. I have read just about everything he has done, either by himself or in the co-author position- that is why I had to tell you about his latest book and what it had meant to me at the end of this year 2011. Just so happens I just finished it and it was absolutely amazing. I should also say that he isn't always vulgar and scary… if you read the book I am about to tell you about and like it, you should also read "The Girl that Loved Tom Gordon" or "Misery"… neither one is occultic or vulgar, and both are excellent. There may be some language; but don't blame him for knowing what sells; he just writes the stuff. (Don't however; read "Pet Cemetery" it scared me so bad I had nightmares for a week…. as an adult)

"11/22/63" came out November 1^st and I was on the hold list behind about 50 other people at the public library here in Ft. Wayne. I thought I would never get to read it and was trying not to buy it on my Kindle because from reviews I had read it was a big book and I wanted to hold it in my hands. I am attached at the hip to my Kindle but sometimes I just want to feel the book ("Under the Dome" was a big one too- and worth every single page).

I think it was so big it deterred some people or maybe they just couldn't put it down either, but in December it was waiting for me at my branch. I couldn't believe I had it so fast and I was fairly giddy taking it up to the check- out.

I can't tell you everything about the book because:

A)  It would ruin it. (think peeking at your Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve)

B) You just can't tell everything about a Stephen King story and do it justice. If you have ever been to a movie made from one of his books, you really need to read the book. Really. Start with reading "Thinner" and then rent the flick and you will see what I mean. (Thinner is low on the vulgar-scary scale too, it's about gypsies… basically.)

The jest of it is this. A man finds a time portal that takes him back to 1958 (don't roll your eyes, it's not Sci-Fi, trust me…). The man that discovers the portal gets the idea that if he could stop the Kennedy Assassination (hence, the title 11/22/63) that he could possibly stop the Vietnam war, ect,…. among other things too numerous to mention here. - The trick is that each time you re-enter the portal, you start all over on the same day in 1958- BUT anything you accomplished in the past is null and void; if you come back to present day and then try and re- enter 1958 at some point. The problem is that this guy had a life and a business in the present day and he had to go back and forth, so no matter how close he got to Oswald he could never stay long enough to figure out his plan, motive, trail, ect. It's hard to explain without butchering it up, but in a nutshell- he got cancer so he couldn't go through with stopping the assassination because even after years of traveling back and forth he was too sick to start over again in 1958 and stay until 1963, so- he found someone else to do it. This is the story of that "someone else" and WHAT a story it is. I couldn't put it down. Plus, I couldn't renew it because there were a thousand other library patrons with holds- so the book was constantly with me until it was finished and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

After the last page was read, I sat with the book on my lap in what I like to call the "Stephen King Afterglow"... yes, it IS just that good. It makes you want to have a smoke- or for me, eat some good chocolate. There has never been one book of his that didn't leave me with a sense of "Wow- that was one crazy ride!" or "Man, I just read one of the greats…" This one had a little bit of both, but most of all it made me ask myself one question:

"If I could go back and do anything over again, what would I change?"

First I thought about 2011, but soon I was going much further back in my head. Personally, I don't see myself stopping any assassinations; but I have had my own regrets along the way that have made me long for some do-overs.

I wish I had been nicer to my sister when we were young. I really regret that now. I had so many issues back then and she was just one of the casualties, I am surprised she talks to me at all… I hope I have made it up to her.

I wish I had spent more time with my mom and dad instead of always trying to get away. I was in such a hurry to move out and get on with MY life. If I could go back I would talk to them more and pay more attention when they talked to me. I long for their voices now that they live in Florida and as they get older, I worry about when that won't be a possibility anymore and how I will ever live through it when I can't pick up the phone or hop a plane to be near them.

I am thankful that I held my little brother as much as he would let me. Sang him songs and rocked him to sleep. Endless hours then but now, I see it still wasn't enough. I wish that when he wanted to move to Connecticut that I had tried harder to talk him out of it, wish I could have seen that it wasn't a whim, it was for YEARS. Maybe forever. I wish I would have asked him to stay, but I didn't.

I wish that all those times my great grandmother had asked me to come over and see her because she was "homesick for me" that I would have ran to her side. I wish that I would have thanked my grandpa for taking such good care of my grandma when she had Alzheimer's and that I could go back to just one day that she knew who I was when I walked in the room.

I wish that I had cleaned less and held my babies more. Wish I would have played on the floor with them and not been so cross when they made little kid messes. I wish that I knew then what I know now about how fast those babies grow up and leave home, and as much as I watched them all sleep, eat and breathe- I wish I could go back for 3 more days, 1 day for each of them-and just do it one more time. Give them all baths, tuck them in beds with clean sheets and kiss their damp hair. And smell them… God, that smell. I would really like to smell my babies one more time.

I wish I could go back to the day I married my husband and slow it down to about 35 miles an hour instead of 90. I wish I could look in his eyes again when he said his vows and I REALLY wished we had danced at our reception. It wasn't possible then, but I really wish we had. It didn't take me long to realize that the best gift I got that day was him, I just wish I could do it all again- all of the sweet firsts that come with being a new bride. Now THAT was a great day.

Oh-I have other regrets. About things I shouldn't have eaten (especially in 2011!!) things I wish I hadn't said, days I wish I could start over and do differently- if I am honest most of my life is full of those days. I guess it's a good thing that I don't have a time portal of my own, because I would probably drive myself crazy thinking about all of the "if only I had dones" And the "what ifs??" Mourning all the things lost, over and over again. Trying to go back again and again and get it right this time. If there even is such a thing.

One of my pastors from days gone by said that God gives us 24 hours in each "bank" that are our days here on Earth. Each day we have to make decisions as to how to spend each of those hours. Some we will squander, some we will invest- but it is always our decision. We need to look at those hours as individuals and not chunks of time and spend each one wisely or before we know it, our "wallets" will be empty and there is no getting them back. I think about that often as I plan my days, especially now that I am home again maintaining a house, keeping a husband fed and in clean underwear; and helping with grandbabies. I do try and play more, love more and be more- but most days I just end up feeling like it is never enough. I fight looking in the mirror and seeing failure blinking at me like a big neon sign. I think about the things I wish I had done differently, past and present- the list is endless and overwhelming. I am always the last person that I am good to and I never feel like I deserve the benefit of the doubt.

In 11/22/63, I won't tell you what happens because I do think it's worth reading yourself, even if it takes you weeks… but I will say this much. What this "someone" finds out more than anything else is that he is the one that deserves a do-over. That after all is said and done, that he is the one that needs the grace given by getting another chance to do things right. That is what I took away from the book. Every decision we make, good or bad sets off a chain of events. What he found out was even if you could change something that you thought would be for the better, it alters everything else around it that is connected to it, and sometimes THOSE changes aren't so great.

Looking back; not just at 2011, but even further still- the answer for me has to be that I just did the best I could with whatever I had to do it with. I had a counselor tell me that once about my own parents and I believed it for them but I never would give myself that same gift of just being human.

My goal for 2012 is this. To quit wasting so much time mourning things lost, and be nice to myself for once. To look ahead and know that I will do the best I know how with each 24 hour day I am given. I will love to the best of my ability, play as much as my almost 50 year old body will let me and not live in regret. I will write, love my husband and my children, cuddle my grandbabies and be who I was meant to be.

Whoever- I was meant to be.

So let's raise a glass of whatever sails your boat and toast 2011, the good-the bad and the ugly. And also, I am toasting Mr. King's 11/22/63. It was a masterpiece and it changed me.

Salute'!