Honestly, after high school the thought that I needed a best friend never really entered my mind. I had found the complete package in my husband Brian. I trusted him with all my secrets and all my emotions, and if I never had another girl friend I thought that would be just fine. I never could get into the "girl" scene at school- I couldn't do all the drama and I felt too bad about myself to make anybody else feel bad by talking about them behind their backs, which was all girls that age wanted to do. The silly, drama made me crazy as did all the bickering and jealousy. Funny how that hasn't really changed much over the years- I just have always had a very low tolerance for all of that. My best friends were always guys and that was the way I preferred it.
I felt so strongly about this that when my daughter Cherith was a teenager, I taught her not to play all the games girls play. Often she was accused of thinking she was better than any of the other girls because she wouldn't be involved in all the petty gossip and comparisons. Once I had a very upset teen girl tell me that she couldn't stand Cherith because she thought she was a "goody two shoes"… I simply said, "Well- that's my fault so you might as well not "stand" me too. She is exactly what I raised her to be."- and it was true. I taught her to be above all of that and be kind, sincere and loving. That is a hard concept for most women under 25. She is still one of the sweetest women I know and next to my husband, I trust my daughter; above all else.
Don't get me wrong…I have had some very good friends over the years; women that I have entrusted with lots of those "secrets" and feelings, but usually I am still guarded as to how close I really let them get. There are very few that know what makes my heart break, that is not their fault- I have just learned the hard way that sometimes it back fires. It's those backfires that have caused me to retreat time and time again.
I don't know when I gave up the hope to ever have a best female friend again, but I had. Some people throw the term "best friend" around so easily. Not me. It is a term I don't take lightly. But at some point over these last very hard 10 years, I started to feel lonely. My church family had splintered apart and finally evaporated and my boys were struggling with their faith. I felt judged and alone. I felt like I had failed. I was tired of people that told me to just "pray about it" and not give up-tired of looks of judgement and people that didn't know what to say to me. When my 18 year old became a dad and I went to a social gathering with the baby; where one of my closest friends was hostessing- she barely looked at or spoke to me. Frustrated, I cried all the way home with my sweet grandbaby in the back seat. At that point, I didn't care if I ever had another girlfriend. I had been burnt so much in the previous years I just couldn't do it again. My old walls went up and my mortar hardened.
Over the next two years there were literally only a couple girls that I opened up to about the things dear to my heart. Afraid most would think that I was too much to handle, too much of a disappointment or that somehow I was flawed and contagious. One Saturday; a friend of our boys got married and I went to the wedding with my young grandbaby in tow. My son was working and it was his weekend with her and since I didn't want to miss the wedding, I decided to go, sit in the back and leave early before I had to speak with anyone. I wasn't ashamed of my beautiful granddaughter but I was so tired of the questions and looks of pity from our well-meaning church "friends" that I was running to avoid it. Everything went as planned until I ducked out into the parking lot right after the ceremony.
"Jama!" I heard the voice behind me call. I turn and it's the groom running out behind me, smiling in his tuxedo and buttoner, "Are you leaving? You aren't leaving are you?"
"Hi sweetheart," I answer my heart swelling at the sight of this sweet boy that played video games in my basement and ate my cookies, "I guess I am… It's nap time." He puts his hands in his pockets and walks out to me. Touches the baby's hand and says, "Thanks for coming it means a lot to me. I always loved being at your house." I look at him and something passes between us. Maybe recognition that things have changed and will never be the same… "I love you." He adds. I cup his face in my hand, as I have a habit of doing with the "boys" in my life and say, "Oh- I certainly love you too and I am so proud of you." He smiles.
"Maybe I should get back in there?" he jokes.
"I would guess yes." I say. He runs back in the church and I leave another function in tears…tears about grown boys, regrets and water under a very large bridge. That is the first time I felt like I really didn't have anyone that knew how I felt and the first time in a long that I thought maybe I needed one.
Not long after that I began praying for a best friend. I felt silly doing it, I even felt silly saying the words "Best Friend" but somehow I knew that was what I needed. Like we often do, I really didn't expect God to answer my prayer. I mean people have cancer… how important is a BFF in comparison? Thank goodness that God cares about the small stuff too. One night during a meeting of a women's ministry I was involved in I sat next to a woman that I had never met. For some people that may not seem like a huge deal, but for me it is (still) HIGHLY unusual. I tend to gravitate toward my comfort zones. I will go out of my way to sit or stand next to someone I know even if I have to walk clear across a room or arrive a half an hour early to accomplish it. But not this time, I had been cleaning up food across the hall and when I came in late there were only a couple seats left… I guess she looked the least intimidating. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. We hit it off from that first night and made a point to sit next to each other at the next meeting too and it wasn't long before I realized that God had answered my small, hurried prayer for a best friend in Dawn Rice.
Around that same time, she had an opportunity to return to the Air Force and become a Flight Nurse. She had already served her country for 4 years before going to school to be a registered nurse and now she had the opportunity to return for this specialized training.
So-after dropping her in a jungle and teaching her how to survive capture by the enemy, she became a Major. Do I know how to pick a BFF or what?? God not only gave me a best friend, He gave me an Air Force Major. It was one of those "cup overflowing" moments; but there was a price to pay too. She has deployed twice since we have met and often goes out of state on Air Force business. Surprisingly, it has fit into my life perfectly because I have never been very good at the BFF thing. I even asked her once if she was sure she wanted to be my friend because I have never been very good at it. I can go for weeks without calling because I hate to talk on the phone. I am bad about birthdays and Christmas, because I am not a "gift" person. I don't like to shop or do lots of the "girl" things. If you are needy, it can be challenging to be my friend because my best friends have been GUYS most of my life and guys don't need all that stuff. She assured me she would be fine and she has been. She has also been exactly what I knew and didn't know I needed; every. single. time.
I am SO proud of her. She selfishly sacrifices to serve the country I live in, taking care of the soldiers that fight to keep me safe-speaking words of comfort and support in their ears, much like she has me over our few short years as friends. I feel like I have known her my whole life and I love her family like my own; crying and praying over her kids and kissing her grandbabies when they scrape their knees. I have trusted her with my secrets and feelings and have never felt judged. I have said things I am not proud of, complained and cursed. She always centers me again; laughs at me, cries with me and helps me find my way back. She has restored my faith in the BFF thing and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can be completely honest with another female and she won't judge or pity me, she will just simply love me.
I wanted to write this for her because tomorrow is her birthday, Dec. 28th and she is coming home from Kuwait. Last week, she went on the last mission to bring soldiers in. I don't think I could breathe until she texted me and told me she was back at base safe again- the end of a long war, one step closer to home. I look forward to seeing her on my doorstep again and not on Skype. I want to hug her and have a glass of wine with her, catch up over sushi and watch movies our husbands don't want to see. All the stuff we do that sets my world right again. All the things I never expected to need before I knew her- a world that involves her and her world- a beautiful tapestry of friendship with my BFF.
Happy Birthday Major Dawn! Hurry home, I miss you more than I can say in a silly blog and I need you more than I ever thought possible.
Thanks for being my BFF, I love you xox
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